Mixed Emotions

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! Mine was, and I promise to tell you all about it... later ;)

Sunday morning at 8 AM, I am supposed to go to the hospital to be induced. They will check the baby's lungs, which takes about an hour, and then start the induction process at 9 if the lungs come back good. I am having so many mixed emotions!

I am so excited to meet my baby.. and see what it is! I am excited to hold it and snuggle it and have it here finally. But I am also very sad. I will never get to be pregnant again. To feel the kicks, and even the pains that I complain about, of pregnancy. I know all pregnancies come to an end, but deciding to end ours on Sunday feels wrong somehow.

The reason we are planning an induction is because of my labor with Miss L. Too fast, too scary, don't want to go through that again. This way we can be prepared, have our kids with people, things taken care of, and not have to worry of delivering in the car! We could wait another week if we wanted, but that is pushing it, and the dr I want to do it isn't going to be on call.

So we are going with Sunday morning. I can't decide if I am more excited or sad yet, but I do know that it will be exciting to finally get to meet our little baby.

How did you feel on your last pregnancy? How did you handle knowing it was your last?

Baby Shower

I was really back and forth on whether or not to have a baby shower. I didn't want to because I felt greedy. This is our 3rd baby, and its not even 2 yrs after Miss L, but there are things that we do need! I'm not one to keep stuff around, so I pretty much cleaned house of Miss L's stuff once she was done with it.

So I talked my girlfriend and she said YES do one! And she threw one for me :)

Source

It was really last minute, but she did a super cute job on it. Unfortunately I suck, and didn't take any pictures! I did a registry at Target, and was able to get a few things that I did really need, which is really helpful. I also got some gift cards, which totally rock cuz then I can just go buy whatever else I need, which isn't much now.

This poor baby isn't getting spoiled like my other kids. It doesn't get its own room or anything. We put the crib and changing table in our room, making the "theme" brown, cuz we have pretty much brown everything in our room!

Because this baby isn't getting all the fancy stuff, it was nice to at least have a shower for it, and not have to buy everything ourselves!

Did you have a shower for all your kids? Or will you if you have more then one... or two?

Noro Virus

I got Noro virus last week and ended up in the hospital on Monday for fluids because I was so dehydrated. It took 5 bags of IV fluids to get me back to where I needed to be. Not fun at all.

Source

Because of the dehydration, I started to have regular contractions. Luckily once I got enough fluid into me they stopped though, cuz baby was still a little to early to come just yet :)

For those of you who don't know what Noro virus is, let me just say its the shits. Literally. I was crapping my brains out about every 30 minutes. I didn't have the chills, or aches, or vomiting, just the poos. It was horrible. Luckily no one else in my family got it like me, though Miss L did have a few really watery diapers, and M got a little sick to his stomach this past Sunday. Pumpkin was sick the Friday before I was, but he was throwing up and then seemed fine later that day, so I'm thinking more of a flu bug.

I'm really praying and hoping that this is the only round of sickness we get this year. I have been nesting, so my house is pretty much disinfected from top to bottom, hoping that helps!

Have you been sick at all this winter yet?

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving this year was small and oh so nice! Pumpkin was at his dad's house, which made it a little lonely, and my parents were in Spokane at my aunt's house. M's aunt and uncle came into town, and his mom did a big dinner, but we didn't go. Instead, we had Thanksgiving just the "4" of us.

I cheated a little this year though. Instead of doing a full turkey, I just did a breast... in the crockpot! Best turkey ever though! And SO tender and juicy! I also did boxed stuffing, which I was really hesitant about cuz I love stuffing, but it turned out amazing. Totally sold on the box stuffing now. I made corn, mashed potatoes, gravy, and a cherry pie for desert. We laid around all day relaxing and watching football. Ate dinner, and then laid around some more. We ate cherry pie while we watched a movie, then called it a night and went to bed!

It was so little, and so relaxed, but so nice. We didn't have to drive anywhere, put on jeans, or try to not look too piggish going up for 3rds. I do love holidays with family, but I think I like holidays with just immediate family just as much.

How was your Thanksgiving?

All But December

I have been really bad about blogging in general lately, but especially keeping up with blogging about what I have been doing to keep my New Years Resolution this year. So... what month did I leave off with anyways?!

Resolutions 4-6 can be found here, leaving us with the month of July.

July I cheated and did something that I had already done. While at Target, I let the people behind me go ahead in line. I, once again, had a cart full, and they only had 1 item. I wasn't in a hurry, and it didn't seem fair to make them wait for me and all my crap when they could be done paying by the time I unloaded said crap.

August I took the easy way out again, and donated to a charity. It wasn't much, but every little bit counts and helps, and it was what I could do at the time.

September showed me that getting Pumpkin involved in my resolutions really was paying off. It got pretty darn chilly for a couple days here. There was a construction crew building a house 2 doors down from us and Pumpkin said that we should make them some cookies like we did that one time! YAY! Even my 5-year-old can pick up that doing nice things for others is a good thing! Proud moment for me :)

October went by in a blur, but I did manage to still keep my resolution! M signed us me up to work at Pumpkin's school carnival. I was in charge of this duck game. The kids picked a duck and if it had an X on the bottom, they got a prize, if it didn't they got candy. Well there was this little boy, too young to even go to school, and he wanted to play so bad but didn't have the 1 ticket required. SO, I threw in one of the tickets that Pumpkin had and let the little boy play. Then I cheated and let him pick out a prize when his duck didn't have an X on the bottom.

November also has flown by, but there are more opportunities to do good deeds presenting themselves. People trying to get ready for Christmas, the bell ringers outside stores, 'tis the season and all that. I helped a little old lady find some horseradish in the grocery store. She really was little, and old, and super cute and sweet. She was looking for the horseradish and I heard her saying that she really needed some but couldn't find it. I had actually just passed it myself, so I took her to where it was. She was so thankful for that little gesture. It made me feel good to help her out.

Have you been doing anything for others? Do you find it easier in the "holiday" season?

Teeth Are Worth HOW Much?!

Pumpkin is growing up so damn fast, and yesterday just really proved it. He lost his first tooth!

A while back he wrecked pretty good on a strider bike, and I thought that maybe he knocked it out then, but it hung on and wasn't even that loose. About a month, maybe... or so... ago it got loose. We have been trying to get him to wiggle it and get it to fall out, but he wasn't that interested in it falling out. He was super excited it was loose though! So yesterday at school he said he was pushing on it and heard it pop a couple times, and TA-DA! it fell out! His teacher put it in a little tooth necklace and he got a sticker staying he lost a tooth! I was so excited and proud, and sad that he is growing so fast.

Then came the debate on how much a tooth is worth. Growing up, our teeth weren't worth very much. I don't even know if I ever got a dollar for one! M thought about giving him a 10 though! Wow! Teeth have really gone up in price!!! Since this was his first tooth though, and he was so excited about it, we gave him $5. A lot, but the other ones won't be worth as much.

How much did you get for your teeth? How much do you plan on giving for teeth?

Mr Mom

Somehow along the way, M has become a better mom then me. I don’t know if it’s because of me being pregnant and him trying to help out, or if he really is just a better mom, but damn, he’s good.

Since I don’t work a day job, he lets me sleep in the mornings while he gets Pumpkin ready for school, and off to school. He gets him breakfast, makes him lunch for the day, and helps him get all his school stuff ready. He also drops him off on his way to work at the morning program so I don’t have to get up or leave at all. They even have a night routine now that consists of brushing teeth, getting jammies on and reading when I go to work.

I never thought much of it until the other day when I went to get Pumpkin a glass of orange juice and he told me no pulp. M was sitting there and he told Pumpkin that he didn’t buy the kind with pulp because he knows he doesn’t like it. Ummm…. How come I didn’t know that?!

I love how much M does to help me out, but he really is becoming a better mom then me! I’ve gotta kick it into gear here soon or Pumpkin isn’t going to need me at all!

Ghost Pirate and Stripper Kitty

Halloween was unusually warm this year, which was nice for us to be able to take the kids out and actually see their costumes instead of covering them with snow gear. We went to the East side of town, where the houses are close together, there are sidewalks, and a lot of people. And by a lot of people, I mean a LOT of people. It was unreal. There were actually lines from people’s houses to the sidewalk. Bad idea on my part. We were only able to trick or treat a couple of blocks because of all the people. We left there and went to my parents’ house. Pumpkin went to a couple houses in their neighborhood and then just dumped their candy bucket into his. Smart kid :)

Pumpkin wanted to be a “ghost pirate” this year. I found a cute and cheap costume at Costco and then just painted his face white with black circles around his eyes, and he wore white gloves. I thought a horse or kitty would be cute for Miss L, but finding a costume was so frickin hard! Luckily a Spirit Halloween opened this year for the first time ever in our area, so I was able to find a costume there. Unluckily, the cute kitty costume was $40, way too much for me to spend on a 1 year old’s Halloween costume. So instead she got stripper kitty. I think she still looked pretty cute with her little painted nose and whiskers. Stripperish yes, but a cute stripper!

M and I didn’t dress up, but surprisingly he kind of wanted too. We had Pumpkin’s school carnival the Saturday before Halloween and M said we should have at least worn masks to that, so maybe next year we will do something fun.

How was your Halloween? Did you dress up, or just your kiddos?

Broken Crotch

I know, I know, I’m a bad blogger. BUT in my defense, I don’t have a computer at home, just my iPad, which I can blog on but it’s not the easiest to type on, so I blog at work. Well, by the time I can actually sit and write a post I’m tired and its everything I can do to stay awake, and I normally don’t have the extra energy to type. Lame I know.

A lot seems to have been going on lately too. One of the bigger things though is my broken crotch. Technically it’s not broken, and technically it’s not my “crotch”, but that is the best way to describe it. More medically correct, my pubic bones/muscles aren’t really there after being pregnant 4 times, so this baby is sitting right in my pelvis and putting a lot of pressure on it. I have a pretty constant burning pain down yonder. Trying to roll in bed is out of the question, and if I walk too much, I’m out of commission for the rest of the day. PAIN. It really does feel like my crotch broke.

The pain is actually so bad that I went to the dr yesterday for it. Nothing they can do, of course, except suggest a support belt. So instead of buying myself a pair of cute maternity pants, I will be purchasing a support belt this weekend to help hold my tummy/baby off my pelvis. Good thing I am already pregnant cuz I’m sure once M sees me in it he won’t be able to keep his hands off me.

The dr checked heart rate while I was there, which was coming in strong at around 139. I am “officially” 28 weeks today, but was measuring 30… come on December (tax) baby! I also got to have an US because this baby just hasn’t been super active. Reason behind that is my fluid levels are a little on the high side, giving baby more room to swim around. And let its hair float around. Lots of hair swishing around. It looked to be almost shoulder length…. And if I’m going to be completely honest, that might be slightly creepy if it comes out with hair long enough for a pony… especially if it’s a boy….

I promise to try harder to blog more. With the holidays coming up too, there is always fun stuff to talk about! So don’t give up on me yet, I’ll be better :)

Human Pin Cushion

My 3 hour gestational test was on Monday, and I felt like I was a human pin cushion! Over 3 hours my blood was drawn 4 times. They tried to draw from different parts of my arm, but there are only so many spots you can do!

I had to fast for at least 12 hours before the test. Luckily my test was in the morning, so fasting wasn’t too hard considering I was sleeping most of it. No coffee in the morning killed me though! I had to have a fasting blood draw, then drink the glucose crap. They had a little area to wait between each draw. It reminded me of a living room, a couple couches and a TV. Then each hour they would come and take my blood. Luckily I was able to fall asleep while I waited so the time passed quickly. After the last draw, they pricked my finger and did the little monitor test to make sure my levels were low enough to go home. They also took my blood pressure and heart rate. Everything was good, so I ate my snack and then left.

Of course no one can tell you anything. I called my dr office later that day and they said the results were in but they would have to have a nurse tell me the results. No one called until the next day, so I had to wait in horrible anticipation. But, the wait was worth it, I passed! My levels were good at all the draws. Phew!

Even though my levels were fine, I still want to watch my sugar intake. Too many horrors with high sugar and missed diabetes. But I am so glad that I can enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas with pie. :)

Government and Politics... Fun

Politics are not my area of expertise. I am not one to get into debates about it, or normally even voice my opinion. With the government shutdown though, I thought I would put in my 2 cents for what they are worth. Agree, disagree, I don’t care. I don’t get too worked up over this subject.

I voted for Obama the first time around. I thought he was the better of the candidates running. Did I think he was amazing? No. I am more of a liberal person, but they never win anyways, so I voted for who I thought ranked slightly higher than the other and actually had a chance of winning. I didn’t vote this last election. I didn’t like any of the people running, and figured if Obama stayed in office, oh well, they all sucked equally.

I don’t feel the president can really do much. Sure every jumps down my throat at this moment with all the Obama care crap and stuff, but really, think about it. He puts an idea out there and the WHOLE house has to vote. If they think its good, it passes. If they don’t, it doesn’t. The president can’t just say this is what is going to happen and then it happens. If you want to blame the president then fine, blame him, but remember he has to have the majority of the people backing him, so I think they are just as responsible. If you want to see real changes in the government, all the seats should be re-elected every presidential election, not just the president.

The government is currently shut down right now. How does that affect me? Well, any other day that the government is up and running my day consists of: kids, family, coffee, food, FB, Twitter, email, games (man I sound lazy), errands, work, bills. Not necessarily in that order, but pretty much everything gets hit during the day at some point. Since the government has shut down my day consists of: kids, family, coffee, food, FB, Twitter, email, games (man I sound lazy), errands, work, bills. Yeah you didn’t miss anything. My day has not changed. As of right now, the government shutdown has not affected me at all. Gas prices did drop a little though… is that related? If so keep the government shutdown! And since I am being perfectly honest, and I don’t follow politics, government, etc, I had no idea it was even going to shutdown, or had for that matter. Until I finally got to my Twitter and all the news was about it.

Maybe I should care more about it all, maybe not. But this is me, what I think, what I feel. Everyone is entitled to their thoughts and beliefs and feelings. If you agree with me, great, if not, great.

Headaches

Pregnancy brings many wonderful symptoms with it. Swelling of your entire body, not just belly, cravings, heightened senses, stuffy nose, constipation, and for me lately… headaches.

I wake in the morning and feel good, well as good as I can feel waking in the morning. About 30 minutes after getting up though, my headache starts. It then progresses from just a headache to full on migraine. I was in tears the other day because of the pain. The more I move around the worse it is, but unfortunately with having 2 kids already, I have to move, I can’t just sit on the couch and nurse my head.

My dr tried me on a prescription for the nausea that I was getting from the pain, but it didn’t do much for me. I went back in, talked to a nurse practitioner, and she sent me in a prescription for migraines that is safe to use during pregnancy. I am trying it now and hoping it works.

I have never been one to get headaches. I would get the occasional one when I didn’t get enough sleep, but it would last a day and then be gone. These things are horrible! You can’t do anything and they just hurt! Ugh, I am so over the headache thing. This new prescription better be the answer.

Did you get headaches during pregnancy? Do you get them all the time?

GTT

I failed my first glucose tolerance test. They want you in the 140’s, I was in the 160’s. I have never failed this test before! Now I have to go for the 3 hour test on Monday morning.

I am not looking forward to being poked every hour for 3 hours. I have horrible veins that roll, collapse, and burst easily. I can almost guarantee my arms and hands will be black and blue by Tuesday. I am PRAYING that I do not have gestational diabetes. I would go crazy!!! Plus, I have to be pregnant over Thanksgiving and Christmas. Tis the season to EAT!

This week/weekend I am trying to watch my sugar intake. Its been rough. I normally eat a lot candy while I am at work to keep me awake, and doing something, but I haven’t this week. Nor have I eaten the sweets at home like normal. I am doing ok with it, but I don’t want to make it a permanent thing! I am just hoping that this change for the week and weekend will help me pass the test on Monday.

Gestational diabetes is something that really scares me. My mom’s friend lost a baby full term because of undiagnosed gestational diabetes. She was scheduled for a c-section, went in and they decided to wait another day or two. Well, she went into labor before she went back, and when you go into labor, your body sends your baby an increase of sugar to give it energy to be born. The increase in sugar killed her baby.

That being said, if I do have gestational diabetes I want to know so I can take care of it. If I don’t have it, I think I will still try to watch my sugar intake since I did fail my first test regardless.

Have any of you had gestational diabetes? Or failed just the first test but passed the 3 hour test?

Pregnancy is Beautiful

People say when a woman gets pregnant she has a “glow”. They also say that prenatal vitamins are great for your hair and nails. The “glow” is purely an opinion, but there is supposed to be science behind the hair and nails. Unless you are me.

I don’t glow. I sweat, but I don’t think you can count that as a glow. My bright red zits covering my face, neck, chest and back might give off a glow, but I don’t think that is exactly what they are talkin about either. I wish I had a glow about me. I have always been jealous of those cute pregnant ladies that totally own it. They are rockin their pre-pregnancy pants, long shiny hair blowing behind them as the walk, illuminating every place they go in to. Unfortunately for me, the only thing blowing behind me is my BO as I waddle around, confused, and picking at my face.

Science must really hate me too. My prenatals are not giving me those hard as rock nails and strong thick hair. Instead, my nails peel and break just as much as before, and I have been shedding. I am totally screwed for the PP shed. I have a feeling a just may actually go bald. As it is, I have to clean my brush out after every use now. What is up with that?!

My glow stinks, my nails peel, and I’m already balding. No, I am not one of those pregnant people.

3 Years

M and I have been married for 3 years now. WOW.

I have no idea where the time went, but it flew. Looking back over the last 3 years, it amazes me all we have been through. And that we still are together!

I love M so much. He truly is my best friend. Yes, there are things that drive me crazy about him, but he still loves me despite the things that I do that drive him crazy. He makes me smile even when he isn’t around. He makes me happy and feel loved and complete. Knowing I have him to go home to is the most comforting, best feeling ever.

I love him more after 3 years then I did the day we got married. And I know that as time goes on I will continue to love him more.

The things he does for me and our family is amazing. He always puts us first and sacrifices so much to make sure we are happy and taken care of. I couldn’t ask for a better husband or father for my kids.

Thank you honey for everything. Happy anniversary and here is to many more to come.

Goodbye

I left Miss L for the first time last week. I had a work conference 8 hours away. We left Wednesday afternoon and came home after the conference on Friday, which got us into town Saturday morning at about 2 am. It was one of the hardest things ever!

It is horrible to say, but I am used to leaving Pumpkin. From the beginning he has gone an hour here, an hour there with his dad. And then he started overnight stays and progressed from there. In 19 months though, I have never left Miss L. And I think we are both pretty darn dependent on each other!

I thank technology (FaceTime) for getting me through. I was able to talk to her each day and see her to give her a “kiss” and a hug, which usually resulted in her hanging up on me. I really don’t know if I could have done it without my phone! I was so happy to get home, and even though it was the middle of the night she woke up, told me “hi”, and then snuggled in really close. Ahhh… pure bliss.

Inside and Outside

We had our “20” week US this week. Technically I am 21 weeks, and baby was actually measuring about 22! It was so hard to not find out the gender, I even told M that if he really wanted to know we could, but he said no. Surprised me actually because he does want to know! He must know how much it means to me to not know.

The US was amazing. I think after losing BB3, and knowing this is our last pregnancy, I’m taking it all in a little more. The baby kept putting it’s hands up by it’s face, and we could see it drinking the amniotic fluid. SO. INCREDIBLE. We got some good pictures and even some straight on looking at the face pics. I love them.

Everything looked perfect, but the Dr wants us to get a fetal echo just to make sure there is no repeat of what is wrong with Miss L.

I am getting really excited. Which scares me… When I got really excited about BB3, we lost it. I am enjoying being pregnant this time around because I know how quickly it can be gone, and it won’t be long until the baby is here, and I will never go through this again. So excited to meet this little one :)

Emotional Day

Tuesday was a day of emotions for me.

Pumpkin started kindergarten. He went to preschool last year, but that was for only 3 days a week, and 3 hrs at a time. This is full-time, all day, all week school. I really don’t know how I feel about it still! He is growing so fast, and the world is full of such scary things, and I know that I won’t always be there to hold his hand and help him through. I just have to make sure that he knows that he can always come to me no matter what and I will do whatever I can to make it better.

Tuesday was also the due date for BB3. My heart still aches for our baby. I think about it all the time. It is so crazy to think that I should be holding a newborn right now. I am instead holding a baby in my belly right now, which is amazing and we are so excited about, but it doesn’t take away the pain of the one we lost.

Tonsils and Adnoids

Since Miss L was hospitalized in January with pneumonia and RSV, she has slept with us. Ugh. Not ideal, but it is the only way we can get any sleep. She wakes throughout the night, constantly, screaming and crying and the only way we can get her back to sleep is by comforting her with our touch or holding her. Trust me, we tried having her in her crib and just going in there to comfort her, but after about the 5^th time of doing this, and it only being midnight, we get exhausted and bring her in bed with us. That way, when she cries we can pull her close to us and she falls back asleep and our sleep isn’t as interrupted.

We thought she would get better as time went on, but she hasn’t. Now, 8 months later, she is still in bed with us. So, being that I am a sleep tech, I did a study on her.



Sleeping angel



She failed. Sleep apnea goes by an AHI scale. Children her age should be at 0. Adults should be under 5. She was a 6. Normally, if kids/teenagers have sleep apnea, Dr B (who I work for) suggests tonsils and adenoids being removed. So I took Miss L to the Ear, Nose, and Throat place. The Dr was great, but is VERY hesitant on taking hers out. He normally doesn’t do them under the age of 2 as there is an increased risk of dehydration. If we were to precede with getting them out, it would be an inpatient surgery.

We are at a loss as what to do. We really need to get her sleeping well so she can start sleeping on her own again, especially with another baby on the way. She also just needs good sleep in general! But do we risk it at such a young age? Do we wait until she is 2? And if we do wait, what do we do about her sleep now?

Any suggestions?!

The Name Game

I have never stated my kids’ names on here. I don’t know why really… I guess privacy. And to be perfectly honest, without getting into it too much, Pumpkin’s dad has a tendency to spy on me and try to use things against me, so I haven’t wanted to state his name at all. I guess it really wouldn’t be hard to figure out who I am by my pictures, but still!

Well, M and I are trying to figure out a girl name for this baby. We have a boy name picked, the one we would have used on Miss L if she were a boy. We are really struggling with a girl name though! I know we have a while to go, I am only 20 wks, but it would still be nice to have at least a concrete couple to pick from. We are still floundering.

There are names we like, but nothing we really love yet. And I am having a harder time because Miss L and Pumpkin have kind of unique names, so I feel this baby should also. So here you go, Miss L’s real name is Lyla. And Pumpkin is Kael. :)

M likes the name Lexie, and I don’t think it’s bad either, but it just doesn’t feel as unique as Miss L and Pumpkin’s names. I am a fan of Addison, Harper, and Regan, but he hasn’t felt the same. No name is out yet, but no name has really hit home. *sigh*

We decided the next step would be for each of us to come up with 5 names, throw them in a bucket and draw out 3. Those would be the 3 we have to choose from.

I like having 3 names to choose from, but since no names have seemed to be the one, it scares me to choose a name we don’t love! So please help. Give me some name ideas that are pretty and unique like my other kids’!!!

Boycotting Drs

It seems that every time we take Miss L to the dr, there is something wrong. She had her “healthy” 18 month check today (wahoo, 18 months already?!). For the most part she is a healthy, happy, crazy, little diva who loves to play in the dirt, put on my makeup, and see just what and how high she can climb.

On the inside it’s a little different though. We have to watch her when she plays. If she is playing hard, or running, we have to watch to see if she stops at all to squat and catch her breath or rest for a min. Why? Because she has holes in her heart. And if she starts this kind of behavior, something isn’t going right and we get to take a trip to her heart dr sooner than we thought we needed.

Another odd thing Dr S heard today is a “murmur” in the vein in her neck. He typically hears them when they have heart murmur type A, but she has heart murmur type B (not technical terms, but the easiest way I can think to tell the difference between different heart murmurs!). He said he isn’t concerned about it, and it’s not even classified as an abnormality, but he will take note of it and make sure the her heart dr knows. Great. Something else “we don’t need to worry about” but still do.

And to top it off today, her iron level came back so low that Dr S is hoping it was a mistake on their machine. He ordered her a CBC though that I have to go get drawn tomorrow to check it again and all other blood components to make sure nothing is going on. We were hoping to get her adenoids and tonsils out soon though (have an appt with the ear, nose, throat ppl on Monday to discuss it). Dr S told me that if it is really that low, she will not be able to have any type of surgery anytime soon. She has really bad sleep apnea though and needs them taken out to see if it helps her.

I am just so tired of the constant worry with this little girl! I worry enough everyday watching her try to keep up with her brother, climbing up the ladder on the play set, going head first down her little slide, being an active kid with scraped knees and splinters in her hand, that I don’t want to have to add the worry that things aren’t going the way they should be on the inside.

Unwanted Baby

Don’t get me wrong, I want this baby, and M wants this baby (minus the crazy hormonal me that goes with it), but we seem to be the only ones that do.

When I got pregnant with Miss L our parents were so excited. They called and congratulated us, and hugged us when they saw us. They asked questions and stayed up to date. Everyone knew they were excited.

The news of this baby did not bring the same excitement though. I think part of it might have been because of our loss, and they were worried, but at 18 weeks, and everything looking good so far, I would think they would be somewhat excited.

No one asks questions. No one stays up to date. No one talks about it, ever. I have had one conversation with MIL and that was when I brought up the subject.

We have some really close friends that found out they were pregnant about a month after we did. A couple weekends ago we went boating with them and the in-laws. FIL was asking her about her pregnancy. I wanted to cry. He hasn’t said a SINGLE WORD to me about mine.

SIL even said the other day that she always forgets that I am pregnant. I have a little belly, so looking at me you can tell. The thing is though, no one talks about it!

I haven’t been asked how I am feeling. How the baby is doing. How our Dr appts are going. NOTHING. I feel that M and I are the only ones that even want this baby, or are excited about it.

(Sorry if formatting is funky. For the past couple weeks I can’t type in Blogger, so I had to type in Word and paste it over!)

Week 5: If I Were to Win the Lottery, 5 Things I'd Buy

I missed weeks 3 and 4, which sadly, is not that surprising! I knew I would miss some, but I am still trucking along, and maybe I'll go back and do them sometime :)

I know what I would like to buy if I were to win the lottery, but truth be told, I would probably blow it! It would take some serious concentration to spend the money wisely and not just have one hell of shopping spree!

First, I would pay off my bills. All of them. I want to get out of debt so badly, and it would feel so good to not have to worry about bills every month.

Second, I would probably buy M a new truck. He has a nice truck, but something new and fancy that he really loves and wants. And we of course would be buying me a late '60's early '70's Camaro ;)

Third, I would sell our house for complete profit (as it is now paid off) and buy something else. Something that is bigger with a better layout and has trees. And a place to keep horses and other animals of course!

Fourth, I would like to pay off our parents' and sisters' debt. Or at least help them out some. Maybe not pay everything off, but REALLY help them out a lot.

Fifth, we would go on an awesome vacay! I would love to go somewhere tropical and amazing, so I would drug M and drag him on a plane to go with me.

I would probably quit my job but get something part-time to still be able to get out of the house, and we would eventually need money. Lottery money does run out, especially after all I would want to do with it. If I could choose I would be a part-time barista again. I was one in high school and loved it! Free coffee all day? My kind of heavenly work!

Week 2: 10 Things I Live For (Or Can't Live Without)

This is a hard one for me. Of course there are 10 things I live for/can't live without, but its hard to pinpoint those 10 things and put them into words. I'll try though :)

1: My children. Of course every mom is going to say this, but its true. My children get me out of bed every day. They make me want to be a better person and mom. They bring joy to every situation. I may not have as much energy as I need, but they do keep me on my feet. My children are the #1's in my life.

Sorry its so dark!

2: M. He is my best friend and I couldn't face this world without him. He is my rock when I am falling, my shoulder to cry on, my arguer when I am wrong and need to be put in my place (which is never, but if the time were to ever come, he would do). He supports our family and works very hard to do it.

3: My family. They are so important to me. They are always there, even when I don't want them to be, and will always give me an honest opinion. They help me see things I wouldn't see on my own and support the decisions I make. I know they would do anything for me, as I would them.

4: Coffee. Lame, I know, but I couldn't live without it! Being pregnant has been hard because I have had to cut my intake down, but with 2 kids already, and working night shifts, I NEED it.

5: The outdoors. I am so lucky to live in a place that is so beautiful. This past weekend we hiked into a lake close by our house, and it was SO. BEAUTIFUL. I can't even begin to describe the fresh, clean smell of the damp forest warming up with the sun. Or the view of the lake surrounded by huge trees and an eagle swooping down to catch fish. Or the sound of the waterfall rushing down the hillside and crashing into every rock and branch on its way down. Breathtaking and something I could NOT live without.

6: Animals. Cheesy. I love animals. I love how our dog thinks he is tiny and tries to worm his way into your blanket. And our crazy cat that won't leave our yard, just likes to hang out outside around us. I grew up riding horses, and I LOVED the feeling of freedom ontop of the horse. The wind in your face as you gallop along, and the feeling of weightlessness and flying as you soar over a jump. I love animals. I love their innocence and trust.

7: The internet. Modern technology has won me over :) I use the internet daily. Multiple times a day actually. I like that I can look anything up, diagnose myself before I even get to the dr, stay in contact with family and friends 100s of miles away, and have the answer to pretty much any question I could think of.

8: The seasons. Particularly fall and winter. They are my favorite. I love the fall because it cools down. The leaves change and all the yummy smells emerge. Snow is amazing. I don't think it could actually snow too much for me. It is beautiful to look at, and fun to play in. I love the holidays in the fall and winter too.

9: Sweets. I have the worst sweet tooth ever. Which explains the extra 15 lbs I carry. But they are like my crack, only... healthier? Cheesecake is one of my favorite things, but I will take a good white chocolate macadamia nut cookie any day too. Or peanut butter M&Ms, Oreos, kettle corn, pumpkin roll with cream cheese frosting, cupcake, white chocolate dipped pretzels, ice cream...

10: My bed. Oh how I love my bed. I love that when I crawl into bed, I get to go to sleep! Its something that I took for granted until I started working nights. My bed is so comfy, and warm, and sleep is so amazing. I can't wait for morning to come so I can go home and sleep!

Week 1: Who I Am

I have decided to join in a 52 week challenge that I heard about on this awesome blog. Not gonna lie, I'm sure I miss a week here or there, but I am going to try my best! So, Week 1: Who I Am.

Well... I am a girl. A daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend. I'm from a small town in Montana that I still live in and have no plans of ever leaving. My family is everything to me. I cherish the simple things in life and am much happier drinking a beer by a campfire than sipping wine in some lavish hotel (although that does sound nice...). Weekends and warm days are spent outside, doing anything from dirt bike riding and camping, to watching my kids play on the slip and slide and working in my much neglected flower bed. I love to read and when I start a good book, I can't put it down until I finish. I stay at home during the day with my kids and work at night as a polysomnographic tech, fancy name for sleep tech. I put my family first and that sometimes means putting my friends off, which I know isn't good, but its that way it is. I'm not athletic, but wish I was. I don't like to cook or clean, making me probably the worst house wife ever. My favorite season is probably fall. I LOVE watching football and am born and raised Packer fan!

And I think thats me. I can't think of much more to share, but you can ask anything and I will answer!

Secret Rainbows

I have been so back and forth on writing this post, when to write it, am I going to jinx things (not that I entirely believe in that, but better safe than sorry), is it too soon, etc. But after talking to my new dr, J, who settled my mind and told me she has complete confidence and no worries, I have decided to take the plunge and share my secret. I'm pregnant again!

I actually found out the Wed after Mother's Day, May 15th. I called the midwives I had chosen last pregnancy since Dr K was leaving, and made an appt. I got in that day, or the next, I can't really remember now, and got some blood work done. They wanted to check my progesterone since I lost BB3. I am so thankful they did. It came back at 16, low. Over 20 is ideal. They are pretty sure that is why I lost BB3 now. I got started on a progesterone supplement. Its a little "pill", looks kinda like a Monistat tablet thing, that I put up my crotch everytime I go to sleep (since I work nights, sometimes I have to do it in the morning).

I have been going in every week to check and make sure there is still growth and a heartbeat, and as of this last Wednesday, baby was looking perfect. Right around 9 weeks, heart rate good and strong, little feet starting to form. My labs last week came back that my thyroid was a little high so I started taking a med for that, but my progesterone is now in the 20's! I will keep taking the supplements until at least 12 weeks when the placenta can take over the production.

This week was my scary week though. I was 9 weeks when I lost BB3, despite its growth stopping at 6. So to see our little one wiggling around was such a relief. I am so thankful that my midwives are so understanding and supportive and let me come in every week to check the heartbeat. They have been my saving grace so far.

Here is the very first pic I have of this baby at my first US



Just a little blimp but a little blimp with a beating heart!

We have told our family and some friends, but haven't made it "FB official" yet. I will probably will really soon now though since J has reassured me so well. BUT, if you are a FB friend, please keep it mum :)

NOW I need something to call this little one! Any suggestions?

Resolutions 4-6

I am still going strong with my New Year Resolutions. I will admit that I do struggle here and there to find something nice to do for others, but then I sit back, realize I am over thinking it, and things fall into my lap.

April in Montana usually consists of rain, sun, and snow. Its Montana. And this April was no exception. So one particularly snowy day, Pumpkin and I made some cookies and went to give them to the road construction people by our house. I told Pumpkin that even though the road construction gets annoying, they are just doing their jobs and we should thank them, especially when its cold and snowing. For some odd reason though, they decided to not work that day! That was ok because I gave Pumpkin some options of other people to give them to: the Policemen, Fireman, or the guys building the house a couple roads over from ours. He chose the builders. So we drove over there, I told them why we were giving them the cookies and went home.

May kind of fell into my hands. I was leaving the grocery store and loading my car when a younger guy came up to me and asked if I had a few bucks to spare because he had run out of gas. I don't know if he was lying or not, and I didn't have a few bucks, but he said he had a gas can, so I took it and got him $10 in gas. Not much, but enough to help a little. And if he was lying, he should feel bad!

June has been pretty hot so far. One particular day it was in the 80's, so Pumpkin and I decided to go through Starbucks drive-thru to get a frappe (me) and a chocolate milk (him). Next to the Starbucks was a man standing with a sign begging for money, work, etc. Normally I don't give these people anything. Mean, maybe, but I have my thoughts and feelings on it. Pumpkin saw him while we were waiting for our drinks though and started to ask questions about him. He then told me he would like to give him something. Like I said, I don't do this. But when a 5-year-old tells you he would like to, you can't say no. So when we got up to the window I asked the lady if I could get a bottle of water also. Pumpkin really wanted to give it to him, so I pulled up by him, Pumpkin rolled his window down, and handed him the water. The guy thanked him and seemed so happy to have a cool drink on such a hot day. The best part though, as we were driving away, Pumpkin told me how nice it was to help him and give him that water cuz he really needed it.

That is why I am doing this. To show my children, and others, that is nice to help and do kind things. Even if the people don't really need it and its totally random, it is nice to show people in the world that there are still good people around.

Have you done anything kind for no reason lately?

My Pics

I gave you a while to take in all the gorgeousness of Reece's proprosal and now here are my Vegas pics! No pro photog, no fireworks, but still fun :)

Hanging in the hotel

Me and my mom laying by the pool soaking in the sun

Family pic in the pool

My little model

Gettin a ride from Papa

Its hard work being so cute



Reece, me, Dee and Miss L

It was so nice to get away and see my family. And heck, who doesn't love a little free time in Vegas?!

Surprises

I've been wanting to write this post for a bit now, but haven't just in case my sister Reece decided to read my blog, for some odd reason...

Anyways, Reece's boyfriend proposed to her! And what a proprosal it was.

They had a planned trip to Italy, so he planned (with the help of my sister Dee) to proprose over there. He upgraded their room without her knowing, and made arrangments for a dinner. Their dinner was on a private terrace that overlooked the sea. He had someone watching so as soon as she said yes, they gave a signal and a boat in the water set off fireworks, which he had to get a special permit for. He also hired a photographer to take secret pictures leading up to the proposal, and then some photos after. And I'm sure you would rather see those than hear me ramble, so here you go :)

Did I mention that about a week before their trip he just showed up on my parents' doorstep to ask my dad for permission?

You would think after all that he would be done with the surprises, but nnnoooo! He decided to send my parents, me and M, my cousin and her boyfriend, and my sister's best friend to Vegas to surprise her at a dinner for celebration of their engagement! So that is how we spent Memorial Day weekend :) Here is M and me at the dinner (taken by my fancy phone, not a photographer)

I have some other pics of our time in Vegas, but I'll post those later cuz I know that with the above photos, they won't even get a second glance ;)

Spartan Sprint

This past weekend I ran a Spartan Sprint with a couple friends. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is 3+ miles (ours was a little over 5 miles) and has obstacles along the way. Look it up, its pretty awesome :)

It kicked my ass though! I had so much fun, but man, the constant uphill of the mountain terrain was HARD. There is going to be another one next year and I can't wait to sign up for it! Here we are before, just aobut to the finish line, and after the race.

About a mile or so in, one of the obstacles was monkey bars. I was about 4 bars away from the end and my hand slipped and I fell on my foot, but it went backwards. I knew I hurt it, becuase it hurt, and I felt it swell in my shoe. Despite my foot throbbing with every rock I stepped on, I finished the race. By that night, I couldn't walk on it. I went to the orthopedic urgent care on Monday and they said it wasn't broken but I sprained the top of my foot and did some tissue damage. Soooo, I'm in a really sleek, sexy boot for 2 weeks. Pumpkin loves it.

I am pretty proud of myself for doing it. I always have wanted to, and talk about it, but never actually do. And now I can't wait for the next one!

Have you ever done something like this? Or something that you have always talked about?

Drop

I am so excited to have good news to report!!! Miss L's blood draw got sent off to Mayo and her lead levels came back lowered!!!! Their scale is slightly different and they go from 0-4 instead of 0-5. Her level was only a 1 though! I couldn't believe it when the nurse told me. I actually asked her a couple times! S we are in the clear for right now. We are still making changes though in hopes that it won't go back up ever.

Thank you everyone who said a little prayer or thought a little thought for us during this time.

Catching A Break

Poor Miss L just cannot catch a break yet in her short life.

When we went in for her 1 yr check, the nurse told me all the shots and screens they wanted to do. Chicken pox, Hep, TB, and lead. I said no to chicken pox, yes to Hep, and gave the dr the choice between lead and TB because I wasnt going to do both. He chose lead.

In children, 5 is the toxic lead level. Miss L's first screen came back at 2. Her dr told us to come back in a couple months and check it again, hoping it either stayed the same or went down. We got the results this week, and it is now at a 5. I had to take her the lab yesterday to get a vial of blood drawn and it is now being processed at the Mayo Clinic. Hopefully we should have the results back tomorrow.

When is she going to catch a break?! Her little life has been so full of issues and problem after problem. It makes me so sad because when I look at her she is so happy and full of adventure and love.

I pray that her levels are down and we wont have to do treatment on her. I pray that she can finally catch a break and be done with all these things. She is too beautiful and perfect to deserve this.

Diapers

I have been on a blogging strike. Actually, not really, but I could have fooled you right?! To be honest, I haven't been blogging because I feel like I have nothing happy to talk about. I am still in a depressed mood and all my thoughts go back to BB3. I am trying though, still. So to enlighted myself, I am going to talk about something happy... diapers!!! That's happy right?!

When I was pregnant with Miss L I went back and forth about whether to cloth diaper her, or use disposables. Every place I read said that the first year alone would be in the $1000's to do disposables. I was so worried and stressed about, but in the end the convienence of disposables won. Just to see how much I would spend on diapers though, I kept track of all the diapers I bought. The date, how many, and the price. Here is it:

In the first year (not counting the 4/25/13 purchase), I spent a total of $193.43. Less than $200!!! You are probably wondering how I did that, since that is WAY far from the $1000+. Easy. I asked for diapers for birthdays and holidays. Sure, that may not be the most fun present to get, but look at how much money it has saved us. Money that we can use to buy or do something fun. Totally worth it if you ask me.

Disposable diapers don't have to be expensive. I spent less in the first year on them then I would have spent on just getting set up with cloth. Not too shabby if you ask me!

26

My birthday is this weekend. I am going to be 26, woohoo. A friend of ours just turned 26 about a week ago. She posted on Facebook how when she was little she imagined where she would be at 26 and she thinks she is there. She has a house, a husband who loves her as much as she loves him, a wonderful son, and is pregnant. And I am happy for her, but it made me think, am I where I imagined I'd be?

I do have a wonderful husband. I love M so much, and he is my best friend. Do we get along all the time? No. Do we have some bad fights? Of course. But in the end, we really do love each other. We own our home, and while its not exactly what we want, it is our home. I have 2 amazing children who have come through so much already in their little lives. So yes, that is all great. But I also have a baby that I will never get to hold. A bump that I will never get to show the world. News that I never got to share on Facebook. To top it off, my period started today. This is my second one since BB3 passed away. I think this one has been harder on me than the first one was. I was cautiously optimistic that maybe it wouldn't come, but it did. My monthly reminder that my body betrayed me and my baby is dead. It is not in my belly anymore and there is not another one there yet either.

I am trying to be happy and think of something fun to do for my birthday, but I can't help but feel depressed. The period hormones probably aren't helping either, but I feel like I would be lying if I posted on Facebook about how wonderful everything is and how I am where I thought/hoped I would be. I never thought I would loose a baby. I never thought I would have these internal struggles that I don't feel like I can turn to anyone and talk about.

Sorry you get my ramblings and emotions that no one else has to hear. I know birthdays are supposed to be fun and happy, but I'm just not feeling it this year. Anyways, 26? Blah. I can vote, smoke, drink, and have cheaper car insurance already, so there isn't a whole lot more to look forward too in birthdays. ;)

Resolutions 1-3

Remember my resolution this year to do random acts of kindness? One every month? Well despite everything going on, I have been keeping it! I decided to update every 3 months so I don't bore you with a post on it every month :)

January: I was in the coffee drive through getting a tea, and a little pickup pulled up behind me. There was just a girl a younger boy, maybe Pumpkin's age, in it, so I told the lady that I would pay for their order. My total bill was just over $7, so that made their drinks right around $5.

February: This one might not seem that big, but it was something. I was in line at Target with a basket full of stuff, despite only going in for a couple things. There was only a couple lanes open, and they all were pretty busy. A lady got in the lane behind me and she didn't have very much stuff. I was not in any hurry so I let her go ahead of me.

March: I searched Indiegogo for a page that was almost out of time and donated to it. Actually, the page that I chose had some time on it, but not a whole lot, and it tugged my heartstrings. It is a baby girl thats goal isn't met, not really even close yet. Right now they are just shy of $3000, and their goal is $15,000. It would be awesome if you would go donate to them! Indiegogo is pretty cool cuz you can search all sorts of different topics and for fundraisers that are just about out of time and donate to them. Even if you don't decide to donate to this fund that I did, you should still check it out and donate to something!

If you made resolutions this year, how are they going?

Another Blow

2013 just couldn't leave us alone with all the shit it already dumped on us, it had to add something else. Our hot water heater went out.  Luckily it was the just the elements and M was able to fix them easily, but it did mean 3 days without water because of our busy schedule and him not being able to get to the store. We made do by boiling water on the stove and adding it to the cold bath water.

I have decided that I am not going to let this year get the best of me though. In my efforts to better it, and myself, I signed up for a Spartan Race! It is the Saturday before Mother's Day, so I have just shy of 2 months to get in shape for it! A couple of our friends are going to do it with me.  M said he would drink beer and watch :).

I'm really nervous because I have been having a lot of issues with my knee lately.  It hardly wants to bear my weight going up stairs. I think I will go in and have it looked at soon. I'm really hoping its nothing serious though and at maybe just a good brace will take care of the problem.

M and I are also looking at doing an addition on our house. We want to have more kids, hopefully, someday, so we figured we need the space and rates are good right now. We had a couple contractors come out and are waiting to hear their bids. We have an appointment with the bank set up to figure out which route is best to go.... Line of credit, construction loan, etc. I really hope it all works out!

Are you doing anything to better this year or yourself?