Good News, Bad News

I have been avoiding writing this post. Maybe because I think that by not writing it, it won't be true, or maybe I just needed to get my emotions under control first. Anyways, here it is.

Our Dr appt last Tuesday (yeah I know, almost a week ago) was filled with good news and bad news. I guess I will give you the good news first, since that is all we were expecting to hear.

I have lost about 3 lbs, which is good! She was also able to find Peanut's heartbeat as soon as she put the doppler on my stomach. It was such a reassuring sound, and so great to find it so fast!

Now the bad news. My high risk HPV is back. The same cancer crap I had a year ago. I have to get another colposcopy done, but they have to wait until I am further in my second trimester as it causes bleeding, cramping, and can put you into preterm labor.

The research I have done on the internet (horrible thing to do!) says that there is a chance that with a vaginal birth, you can pass the HPV onto your baby, who is most likely able to shake the infection on their own. Some dr's won't let you deliver vaginally though because of the chance of passing it on. I have to ask Dr K what her thoughts are on it. M and I don't want to take any chances though. We have gone through enough to get here, so we would much rather have a c-section then risk giving Peanut an infection right off the bat.

This news was really hard to hear, but I think the hardest part is the wait. We have 3 wks in between appts (only 2 more wks to go), then we have to schedule the colposcopy, so more waiting time. Then we wait some more on the results of how advanced it is and what to do from there.

I am lucky to have such a great Dr and nurse though who try to keep me as positive as possible and not stress me. I am also extremely blessed to have such a wonderful husband who takes care of me and is always by my side.

M's Dreams

My dreams haven't been that bad recently *knock on wood*, but M is having them. His are a little different then mine though. He keeps dreaming we are having a girl. He is so sure that it is true because of his dreams!

M wants a boy. Me, I don't really care. Pumpkin wants a girl! M wants a boy because he watched his sister go through her teenage years, and he is terrified of going through that with his own daughter. I don't really care because I would love to have a girl, but boys are so fun! And Pumpkin, well, I can't really tell you what reason is behind a 3-yr-old's decision on girl.

We have a little while until we can find out though, anywhere from 4-8 weeks. So until then, M can keep up his crazy dreams, and I can keep going back and forth.

Constant Worry

I am living in a state of constant worry. Any cramp, soreness, sickness, anything, I worry about. Yesterday I was sitting on the couch with Pumpkin, and our lab jumped from the floor straight onto me, his paw landing right where Dr K finds the baby's heartbeat. He then pushed off of me and jumped back down. So now I am worried.

I know nothing probably happened, but what if it did? What if him landing on me did some kind of damage? I haven't spotted or anything, but I am still worried. I will probably worry until we go in for our next appt, which isn't for another couple weeks.

I hate living in constant worry. I hope that once we hit 12 wks I won't worry so much, but I probably will. I don't know what I would do if I lost this baby. Worrying isn't going to help anything either, but I just really can't help it.

Peanut

We got another US done. I have decided to call the little bug Peanut, cuz it looks just like one! It was pretty amazing though. M got to finally see his work... little arms and legs kicking around. We also got to see the heart beating, but she didn't let us hear it. She was actually kind of a bitch, but oh well.

Anyways, here is our little Peanut.

Taken with my phone * sorry :)

I cannot wait until we are at 12 weeks. I will worry less, and hopefully feel better :) Only 2 wks to go until then!

Heartbeat

We had another dr appt today, and we got to hear the heartbeat! It was amazing to hear that galloping sound. And to watch M's face light up. That might have been the best part :)

My dr did tell me that my pap came back abnormal. They are waiting for the HPV test to come back, so not sure what is going on just yet. Of course, my mind jumps to the worse and I start thinking cancer again. I am trying to stay calm though, and not think about it, but it is so hard. Why can't my vagina just be normal?! I want normal pap smears like everyone else. What happens if it is cancer again? Would that affect my pregnancy? How would they take care of that?

I am trying not to think about it, and just be happy with hearing our little bug's heartbeat. We go back in 3 wks, which will mark the end of our first trimester. That itself will be a huge relief.