Changes

Seasons are changing here. That really isn't saying much for Montana though. There are multiple pictures making fun of the weather here, which, sadly, are all pretty much true.

I have literally had it sunny and snow in the same day here. Overall though, winter is slowly shifting into spring. The snow is melting and the sun has made a few more appearances. Temperatures have hit the 40's more than once, and I confidently hung the kids' winter coats in their bedrooms instead of by the front door.

While I love the snow and winter months, it is always a nice change to see the sun and some warmer weather. Since losing my mom though, changing seasons are so much harder. Last year, the season changes felt impossible and I cursed the sun. I wanted to stay in the grey, cloudy, snowy gloom forever. I never wanted the months to change. Changing months and seasons meant moving further away from the last time I saw my mom.

Those feelings are still with me, but I am dealing with them a little better this year. My mom loved the sun and summer. She couldn't wait for summer, so I am trying to look forward to it because of her, and not think of it as moving away from the season we lost her. I picture the warmth of the sun's rays as her arms wrapped around me, a gentle breeze her soft lips laying a kiss on my cheek.

Trying to find the good and happy in the changes is not easy, but I am trying. Some days it is too much. Sadness overwhelms me and I sit and cry out. Others I can hardly find the will to get out of bed. I know my mom would want me to go on though, so I push forward. With her, with my family, and we take the changes and learn how to deal with them.

That Time of Year... Still

Poor Lex and Lyla are sick. Really sick.

Lex has croup right now and cannot stop coughing. She is so fatigued too. Its only slightly nice because she is super cuddly, but it really breaks my heart. Matt called me at work tonight and told me that at about 7:30 she told him she wanted to go to be, so she crawled in, clothes and all, and fell asleep. Poor little girl just cannot seem to shake this.

Lyla was diagnosed around the age of 2 with asthma. She's been hospitalized twice for illness. First time was right before her first birthday for RSV and pneumonia, second time was right before her second birthday for pneumonia. When I took her to the Dr this week he said he could hear fluid in her lungs, and she was on the verge on pneumonia again. Not only that, but her asthma is flared up and her lungs are really tight. Her normal asthma medications (daily and rescue) aren't helping so he gave us some new ones to try. She has been off the wall with energy, but her asthma goes crazy when she gets to rambunctious, so we have been trying to get her to lay low. Meds are going good, we will see how good when we do the follow-up with the Dr.

Its nights like this that I wish I was a stay at home mom. Its so hard to be away from my kids when they are sick. I know that Matt is perfectly capable of taking care of them, but I want to be there. I took last night off since it was the first night with the new medications and our new diagnosis, but I want to be there every night until they are all better. I hate being away when they don't feel good.

Kael is probably loving them being sick. I don't want him to get anything, especially since he is so prone to getting croup, so as soon as he is done with his school work he gets to go play X-Box or build his Lego's, anything that isn't around his sisters, which basically means no real chores right now. Seems pretty fair since they get to lay around and watch all the TV they want right now too.

I love the snow and winter, but I love that summer brings less germs and colds. We have had our share this year!

Time does not heal all wounds

It has been 1 1/2 years since my last post. Wow. SO much has happened I don't know even where to start. The beginning I guess... maybe an explanation. The reason for absence is not a happy one. Well, the first 6 months maybe.

When I got back from my dream Paris trip, Matt and I sold our house within 8 hours of putting it on the market, quickly found a new one, closed on both homes in the same day and moved. It was chaotic, messy, and hot since it was the middle of summer. We stayed with my parents for about 2 weeks while we did some renovations that had to be done in order to make the new house livable, and then moved in and have been slowly working on it since.

This past year though has been the hardest year of my life. I have been wanting to get back to writing but knew I couldn't without talking about this. Even now, sitting here, keys under my fingers, I don't know what, or how rather, to say it.

On January 6, 2016, my world fell apart when my beautiful mother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly at the young age of 58.

I have done a lot of writing over the last year in a personal journal. Memories, emotions, personal things that others don't need to see. I have also seen grief counselor and read a lot of grief books. I am in a better place. Not a great place, but better. Some days are still absolute hell, but most I can now get through without crying. I do not believe that time heals all wounds. Instead, time just allows us the opportunity to learn how to live with them. I am living with mine and ready to talk about it. I am also ready to talk about everything else in my life and how it keeps on moving forward despite the fact I begged it to stop for so long.

If you have stuck around, thanks. If you are new, welcome. I'm not promising anything special. Just me, my journey, one baby step at a time.