Jinxing Ourselves?

I have made my first “baby” appt with Dr K. It’s for July 18^th. I will be around 5 ½ weeks by then. Not really sure what she will do, as you can’t detect a heartbeat that early, but I guess we will go and see.

I was really nervous about making the appt. I was scared of jinxing ourselves or something crazy like that. I don’t know if I actually believe in that kind of stuff, but it was still in the back of my mind. I am still having the pains in my ovaries, but I try not to think about them. They don’t seem to be as often anymore, but they are still there. I am just glad that I haven’t started spotting or anything.

Please little bug, stick. I couldn’t imagine losing you, and I know both M and I would be a mess.

Pains

I went up to the hospital yesterday. I was having really bad pains in my ovaries, and Dr K was worried I might have an ectopic pregnancy. I had to get a blood draw and US.

The US didn’t show anything really out of ordinary, or alarming. She could see some follicles in my ovaries, and she saw something in my uterus that she thinks could be the gestational sac. I am really hoping that is what it is, and that the little sac is growing and firmly attached to my uterus!

My hcg came back as 200! I was so nervous about that. I need it to keep rising! I am so nervous about losing this baby, but trying to stay positive.

Dr K said to watch for any spotting, and if things get worse pain wise, to call her. I have been having horrid cramps, but I think that is ok. I dread going to the bathroom because I am so scared I will see blood. I have been having a lot of discharge too, and that makes me feel like I have started bleeding.

I just want this first month to hurry by so we can get an US and see the little bug and heartbeat. That would help calm my nerves and ease my mind. I need the reassurance that everything is going ok, and will be ok. I don’t know what I would do if I lost this one. Please little bug, stick! Grow and thrive and be healthy!!

False Hope?

P didn't show, so I tested on Thursday night, expecting just a single line. The one lonesome line appeared, and then a faint second line. I kept looking to make sure that the second line was really there, and you could see it, just not the best. I showed M, and he said he saw it too, but we shouldn't get too excited. We have had this result before, and P had shown the next night. So with a little hope, but trying not to get too excited, I decided I would test again in the morning.

Sorry about the crappy cell picture, to excited to get the camera!

See, you can kind of see the second line! But, we went to bed, thinking that I would get a negative the next morning, and this would end the way it did last time I got this same result.

The next morning, M got in the shower, I took a test, and went to make the coffee. I came back, dreading looking at the test (like usual), but made myself. I had to double check because I was sure my morning eyes weren't focusing right. This is what I saw:

Yep, it says "pregnant". I was in such disbelief. I told M, to which he replied: "no you aren't". He couldn't believe it either. Before we told anyone though, we wanted to double check with the dr. I called Dr K, told her the news, and went straight to the lab to get a blood test done.

The results came back positive, but low hcg. It was only 59. That's enough to be positive, but not as high as it should be. It could mean a couple a things, one being that it was just really early, like only 1 1/2 - 2 wks pregnant. I didn't care, I would take that, as long as I am actually pregnant.

We are so ecstatic! We keep trying to tell ourselves how possible a miscarriage is, 50% chance, but we are still enjoying this moment. I am going to call Dr K on Monday and get my hcg checked again to make sure it is going up. If its not, then there will be no baby at the end of this journey. Trying to keep our hopes up, but keeping reality in the back of our minds.

Playing Games

I hate that my body plays games on my mind. P was due yesterday, and still hasn’t shown. I am 99.99% positive that it will show, I just don’t know when now. I have had all my regular sx (symptoms) that it is coming: bloated for about a week and now bloating is gone, cramps, emotional, cravings for sweets and salt. If it is coming, why can’t it just come?

When it doesn’t show on the day that it is supposed to, I start to get my hopes up. I REALLY hate doing that. The hurt and pain is so much worse when you let yourself get a little excited. I would rather stay pessimistic and expect the bad that I know is going to happen.

M told me last night, after I told him that P was getting off again, that he wants me to go in to the dr and have something done. He wants things to be fixed and good, even if it is just for a little bit. I am still torn though. I think I will make an appt to talk to Dr K and see what she thinks is best and would *hopefully* most likely end in a pregnancy for us.

I’m just down. Why can’t my late P mean that there is going to be no P? Why can’t I just be pregnant already? Why do I, despite all my effort, still get my hopes up when P is not on time? I hate that we can’t conceive like everyone else seems to be able to. I hate that my body plays these stupid games.

Do It Or Not?

As I have told you before, TTC has been our “little” secret. Well, last night, M’s mother (MIL) and I were talking about endometriosis and PCOS. I was telling her that I am in a lot of pain all the time. There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that my ovaries don’t hurt. Her suggestion? Get them removed!

I was a little shocked by this! I want to have a baby with my husband. In fact, we would like to have 2 together. She was saying that I already have a wonderful little boy (which makes me happy that she thinks of him as a grandson so much that she wouldn’t want us to have more, but still), and I am young so I shouldn’t have to go through life in so much pain. While those are valid points, if M and I get a baby in the end, the pain is worth it to me.

While I definitely don’t want to have my ovaries removed right now by choice, this got me thinking more about having a laparoscopy. The FS that I saw last year had suggested that I either have one done, or get pregnant. Well, it seems that we can’t get pregnant, so maybe I should have it done? It really scares me though.

My dad has had multiple surgeries to remove scar tissue from complications of his cancer treatment. It seems that when the dr removes it, it comes back fast and furious. What if I am like that? What if they go in, clean up my ovaries and uterus and anything else, and then my body goes into super mode and everything comes back fast and worse then before? Then what do I do? Keep doing it on a regular basis? Or what if the surgery ruins my ovaries, or tubes, or uterus?

Dr K has said to me that the it seems that after people have a laparoscopy done, they seem to be extra fertile, so that could be a really good bonus, but I am a worrier, and I tend think about the worst possible outcome. I just don’t know what to do!

A Little History

Since Father’s Day is coming up, I thought I would tell you a little bit about Pumpkin’s dad, Ex. I will try to keep this short!

Ex and I had known each other since I was in like the 3^rd grade. I was actually “friends” with his sister. Our families were pretty good friends and it worked out great when we started dating. We broke up once during the first year, but only for about a week, and then got back together. It was right after our 1-year anniversary that I found out I was pregnant (June), and that is when everything went downhill.

Ex always said that he would never live with a girlfriend, only maybe if they were engaged. Since I was pregnant though, I figured he would want to be around the pregnancy and baby, so I moved into his house (of course it was a mutual decision!). Things were going pretty good, nothing really had changed between us too much at this point. But then his mother (and let me tell you, I think he is still attached by the umbilical cord to his mother), made him propose. Yep, she actually made him. Neither of us wanted to get married, and when he did propose in September, he wanted at least a 2-year engagement. That is when things really started to change.

I think he knew all along what his plan was, and I wish I wouldn’t have been so stupid to not see it too. And I wish I would have listened to my mother when she warned me. But I was naive and hoping for the best.

We started fighting all the time. He didn’t go to dr appointments with me, he didn’t touch my belly, we didn’t talk about the baby hardly at all, he didn’t help me shop for baby stuff, if I ever had problems, he had other things to do than sit at the hospital with me. It sucked. The whole pregnancy sucked. I was depressed, sad, embarrassed, and pretty much miserable the whole time. It was not the joyous occasion that I always envisioned pregnancy would be, or should be. We were both miserable, with each other and the situation, and broke off our engagement (except, due to swelling, I couldn’t get the ring off). A month later Pumpkin was born and things got worse.

Ex changed all the diapers in the hospital for me, but once we got home, it was hell. I. did. everything. He didn’t even get me a Valentine’s Day card, and in fact, got mad at me that night because my parents were over visiting and having dinner. Yep, that was the way he was. When Pumpkin was 6 days old, he kicked us out. His dad came over, helped pack my stuff, and moved me back into my parents’ house.

He would come around occasionally, like when he wanted sex, but other then that, I didn’t see Ex. I couldn’t breast feed because he would show up on a Saturday morning, take Pumpkin for the whole day, and not let me see him or tell me where they were going.

We tried to work things out a little that summer. He told me my parents were pieces of shit, and we had to get away from them, so he had the 3 of us move 4 hours away to town where I knew no one. He got a job, I stayed home. And by home, I mean I wasn’t allowed to leave the house. It was like I was a prisoner and servant for him, and every night Ex would come home, eat dinner, and drink beer.

My dad got cancer that summer. I went home a lot to see him and be with my family during that time. This REALLY made Ex mad, and the last time I came home, I called Ex, we got in a fight (as usual), and I told him I wasn’t coming back. And that was that, sort of.

It took almost 2 ½ years before Ex helped me out financially at all. I lived with my parents, worked, went to school, and raised a baby. It wasn’t ideal, but there was no other way. Ex has tried to make everything really hard on me too. His family stalked me (and I think they still might…), he would call and text horrible things to me, he spread rumors about me, he tried (and still does somewhat) to hurt me in every way possible.

Things are still rough. Ex and I can talk, sometimes, other times, not so much, but I try to make it work for Pumpkin’s sake. There have been times that Pumpkin will come home from Ex’s house and tell me that he doesn’t love me, only his dad. I think Ex tells him things. It hurts, and it is hard, and I feel like I only have ½ a child. Pumpkin spends 3 out of 4 weekends with Ex, so I miss a lot of time with him. It breaks my heart every Saturday that he leaves.

Sorry that this one was so long! Good job if you actually made it through!

Sick Of It

All of it. I’m sick of the endless TWW, and the let down every time P shows, of seeing pregnant people everywhere I go, of seeing babies everywhere I go, of my pregnant friends telling me all their symptoms and what they are doing for their nursery, of my friends (that got pregnant in a blink of an eye while M and I are trying so hard) having their babies (I’m a horrible friend). I’m just sick of it.

I feel so horrible, but I can’t help it. My friend S got pregnant (on accident mind you) and talked about it all the time. M and I went to dinner with her and her husband about a month, maybe 2, after she found out. While at dinner, she was saying how she was going to have to cut her hair because “it’s just so hard to do with such a big belly”. Um, what belly? I am bigger then you. Why couldn’t I have just choked on my dinner then to put me out of my misery? I didn’t go to her baby shower because I… wasn’t feeling good… (and I didn’t want to be around it. Her, her sister, and her sister-in-law all were pregnant). And when she had her baby in April, I didn’t go see her. I know, I know, I am a horrible friend, I already told you that. So I finally went and saw her a couple days ago. It wasn’t too horrible, more like paper cutting yourself in between your fingers, then submerging your hand in salt water. Her baby is adorable, and I am really happy for her, but why? Why can’t it be me? Why can it happen “on accident” for her?

Or how about friend L. She actually knows what we are going through, and when she didn’t get pregnant their first month of trying, she called me up, so upset, and told me she just can’t try any more and they were taking a break. Guess what. She got pregnant, without trying, the next month. When she got sick, she called me complaining. When she gained some weight, she called me crying. When she found out what she was having, she called me, on my birthday, and told me, but didn’t bother to tell me happy birthday. She even made the comment once that she didn’t like carrying around a baby in her belly because it was uncomfortable.

Friend K had her twins a month ago. They were really early, only like 27 weeks, so it’s been hard and I do really feel bad for her (both are doing awesome though). But her and her husband have one already, and when she wanted another, her sweet husband told her that he never even wanted one to begin with, but that since it meant so much to her to have kids, he would go ahead with it. First month “trying”, pregnant with twins.  

I’m just sick of it. I love my friends, and feel so bad writing bad things about them, but there is only so much a person can take, and I am at the end of my rope.

I’m one week down in this TWW, but don’t have much hope. Maybe next month, but I doubt that too. I feel like I am trying to play poker with a hand of jokers. 

Source

"When" To "If"

M and I went to a wedding on Saturday. On the drive there, we started talking about how things we thought I would be pregnant at are happening, and I’m still not pregnant.

We had assumed that I would be pregnant at this wedding, possibly already having a belly. Father’s day was supposed to be celebrated with the joy of a baby on the way. We figured that the 4^th of July would be a sober one for me, but it doesn’t look like it will be. All of these things are going on and coming up, and we are in the same place we were a year ago.

I find myself now saying “if I get pregnant” or “if we have kids” instead of how we used to say things, “when I get pregnant” or “when we have kids”. I am starting to loose more and more hope. The way I am feeling now is that we will never have our baby. I am discouraged and frustrated and sad.

Maybe it is because we are coming up on month 9 of medically trying with no results, but this thought of never getting pregnant is taking over me and I am in a slump. It’s like a black cloud hanging over my head, pressing down on me, and I can’t shake it. I think about it constantly and it is dragging me down. I also know that as we get closer to our 1-year anniversary, more people are going to start to ask when we are going to have kids. I dread being asked that. Having it reinforced that we are not pregnant, and don’t know if we will ever be.

Source

Brutal Honesty

I got asked again today if I was pregnant. Both times now have been by clients (and within the last 2 wks), and granted I work at a mental health clinic, but still, it stings. Today when the client asked if I was pregnant and I told her no, she said, you look like it. Um, thanks? I guess they are full of brutal honesty.

I have been doing so good on my diet and while I would give anything to actually be pregnant, looking that way when I am not is something I don’t want. It is frustrating that I am trying so hard, and people have still made comments about it. (She also told me today that I have a double chin.)

And no, thank you for bringing it up, I am not pregnant. M and I have been trying to, and can’t seem to become pregnant. I don’t know if we ever will. So thank you again for digging the dagger a little deeper. Now go take your crazy pills.

Ovulation Signs

Because I am super forgetful, I didn’t buy anymore OPK’s for this month. One thing nice about going through infertility though, is that you really learn how to read your body. So although I did not take any OPK’s to tell me exactly when I am going to ovulate, I have a pretty good idea on my own.

The first thing I notice is the change in my cervical mucus (CM). Gross, I know, but after so long of trying to conceive (TTC), these things just don’t gross you out as much! When ovulation is coming, my CM becomes increased and white. This happens about 2-3 days before ovulation for me.

The second thing that tips me off is that I am hungry. I can eat anything and everything in sight. Not only am I hungry, but I crave sweets! I have such a sweet tooth anyways, but when I am about to ovulate, man oh man, it’s like my period is coming. I can’t get enough chocolate or ice cream!

These things have been happening the last couple days, so I know I am about to ovulate. I can’t pin point the day exactly, but I have an idea, so M and I have been DTD. To cover our bases, we have been doing it every other day since Saturday, and will continue through this week. I do worry that without the Clomid and trigger shot that I might not even release an egg, but I have to hold some hope!

I have talked to Dr K and we are going to do another round of IUI in August. That gives me this month and July to loose some weight (and of course we are still trying)! And if you notice my weight chart on the bottom, I lost 4 lbs! I just hope I can keep losing it and keep it off!

Well, another TWW is on…

Imagine That

We met our neighbors this weekend, and surprise surprise, she is pregnant. I am tired of every. single. person. I know getting/being pregnant. It is so unfair. When is it going to be our turn? We want this more than anything, and it just doesn’t make sense.

You know what really pisses me off. The people that get pregnant that shouldn’t. You know, the ones that don’t want the child, or don’t take care of it. I met a lady the other day, she has 4 kids and has had 6 abortions. SIX! Why can she keep getting pregnant when she obviously doesn’t want to? It doesn’t make any sense to me.

There are so many kids out there that are treated so horrible by their parents who just don’t care. Why were those people able to have kids? Here we are, wanting one so badly, trying everything we can, and it doesn’t happen to us. I don’t understand, and it hurts so badly. Why can’t it be us?

They Joys Of PCOS

Maybe because its Friday, but I am in a really good mood today! So, I thought I would end the week with a fun post. Please add any you can think of too!

You know you have PCOS when…

·        When you hear the term “string of pearls”, you think of your ovaries, not a necklace

·        You shave your face more often than your husband

·        Your shaving routine now includes: legs, feet, hands, stomach, face

·        Your husband has to pluck hair out of his teeth after he gives the girls a little attention

·        You and your friend go on a diet. She loses 10 lbs, you gain 3

·        There is a new found appreciation for the comb over, since your hair is now thinning

Oh they joys of PCOS!

I am struggling with my weight right now. I am trying so hard to loose some of this “love weight” that I have put on since our wedding. I have only been trying for about a week so far (no success yet), but I am very determined to drop some pounds. I will keep a tally on the side of my (hopeful) success!

I hope you all have a wonderful Friday!

Our Little Secret

We haven’t told anyone about what we are going through, except a few close friends. Our families don’t know, and we don’t want them to. We think it would be too hard each month to have them get anxious and keep asking if we are pregnant or not, so we have kept it to ourselves. Handling their disappointment on top of ours would just be too much.

This has not been easy, and I think that everyone going through infertility needs a support system. M seems to handle things better then me, maybe because he is a guy, or because that’s just his personality, but me, on the other hand, not so much! I seem to need a lot more support and I am so lucky that I have found it.

I am a member on Wedding Bee. There is a whole group of us girls that make up the infertility thread, and it has been amazing. The love and support everyone has for each other is more than I thought possible. It’s so great to be able to talk to people who are going through the same things as you, and be able to offer support and advice to them. Our close friends are nice to talk to also, but they don’t understand what we are struggling with, and often their meaning to be helpful offers of advice sting a little more than anything (just relax, it will happen). No one can understand the pain like someone else going through it.

I don’t know if you girls are reading this, but thank you. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you to cry to, and I hope that I have been as much support to you, as you have been to me. This road is long and bumpy, but you all have made the journey bearable. 

Source