M and I went to a wedding on Saturday. On the drive there, we started talking about how things we thought I would be pregnant at are happening, and I’m still not pregnant.
We had assumed that I would be pregnant at this wedding, possibly already having a belly. Father’s day was supposed to be celebrated with the joy of a baby on the way. We figured that the 4th of July would be a sober one for me, but it doesn’t look like it will be. All of these things are going on and coming up, and we are in the same place we were a year ago.
I find myself now saying “if I get pregnant” or “if we have kids” instead of how we used to say things, “when I get pregnant” or “when we have kids”. I am starting to loose more and more hope. The way I am feeling now is that we will never have our baby. I am discouraged and frustrated and sad.
Maybe it is because we are coming up on month 9 of medically trying with no results, but this thought of never getting pregnant is taking over me and I am in a slump. It’s like a black cloud hanging over my head, pressing down on me, and I can’t shake it. I think about it constantly and it is dragging me down. I also know that as we get closer to our 1-year anniversary, more people are going to start to ask when we are going to have kids. I dread being asked that. Having it reinforced that we are not pregnant, and don’t know if we will ever be.
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I definitely noticed when our shift from "when" to "if" happened. And it is tough because family members still use the "when" for us, and we have to correct them and say "if." Then they get upset that we are being "pessimistic." I had to explain to my mom the reality of the situation, and how we are struggling to come to terms with the fact that it just may not happen, so saying "when" is actually very discouraging to us. It seemed to work.
ReplyDelete"When" is discouraging. Its almost like false hope.
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