My birthday is this weekend. I am going to be 26, woohoo. A friend of ours just turned 26 about a week ago. She posted on Facebook how when she was little she imagined where she would be at 26 and she thinks she is there. She has a house, a husband who loves her as much as she loves him, a wonderful son, and is pregnant. And I am happy for her, but it made me think, am I where I imagined I'd be?
I do have a wonderful husband. I love M so much, and he is my best friend. Do we get along all the time? No. Do we have some bad fights? Of course. But in the end, we really do love each other. We own our home, and while its not exactly what we want, it is our home. I have 2 amazing children who have come through so much already in their little lives. So yes, that is all great. But I also have a baby that I will never get to hold. A bump that I will never get to show the world. News that I never got to share on Facebook. To top it off, my period started today. This is my second one since BB3 passed away. I think this one has been harder on me than the first one was. I was cautiously optimistic that maybe it wouldn't come, but it did. My monthly reminder that my body betrayed me and my baby is dead. It is not in my belly anymore and there is not another one there yet either.
I am trying to be happy and think of something fun to do for my birthday, but I can't help but feel depressed. The period hormones probably aren't helping either, but I feel like I would be lying if I posted on Facebook about how wonderful everything is and how I am where I thought/hoped I would be. I never thought I would loose a baby. I never thought I would have these internal struggles that I don't feel like I can turn to anyone and talk about.
Sorry you get my ramblings and emotions that no one else has to hear. I know birthdays are supposed to be fun and happy, but I'm just not feeling it this year. Anyways, 26? Blah. I can vote, smoke, drink, and have cheaper car insurance already, so there isn't a whole lot more to look forward too in birthdays. ;)
