The Big 5

I can't believe that Pumpkin is already 5, and that this post is over a week late (actually, I can believe that second part). I had to pull myself together for his birthday, and I think it turned out ok. Not quite what I had in mind, but pretty good for doing it last minute. And to be perfectly honest, it was mostly my friend K. She made the punch and brought the food for me. *thanks*

Only 2 kids were able to come. The others moved, had to spend the day with their grandma, and were sick. It was nice though because the kids played well and it wasn't overwhelming. They had so much fun diggin for their dinos in the kits I made, and I felt pretty good about how well they turned out.

* Dino hat from our local Dollar Tree, dig kits made by me * "Happy Birthday" made by K *  Badge invite designed by me and K * "Dig Site" sloppily written on our front window using Crayola Window Markers (Pretty sweet dino drawn on our back window too) * Dino Cake made by me (looked way better in my head) using a cake pan from Birthday Direct * Plates, cups, napkins, and plastic wear part of a life saving box bought off Amazon * Fruit tray brought by K * Pumpkin diggin for dinos *

Sorry for the crappy recap of his birthday, but Miss L is eating paper right now... Duty calls! I will post how I made the dig kits soon! It was so fun making them, and Pumpkin even got to help out, which he was so excited about. :)

Words

There have been a few quotes that have been helping me lately, here they are:

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard" - Winnie The Pooh

"I loved you from the moment I knew you were there, and you will be loved until the day I die" - Zoe Clark-Coates

"A short time in my tummy, a lifetime in my heart"

"I carry you in my heart instead of in my arms"

"Saying goobye is something you say, its the opposite of hi, its the opposite of hey. You've barely said hi, but now you are saying the opposite, you are saying goodbye" This is from this amazing video that I have watched a hundred times.

What quotes have helped you through hard times?

Going Through The Motions

I had my follow-up appt for my D&C yesterday. I dreaded it for the fact of knowing I would probably see pregnant ladies in the office. I was right. One was breastfeeding as I walked in, another was in the room I passed to get to mine. And of course as I was leaving, one was just getting there. The appt went fine. I pretty much just sat in there and cried. Oddly, it made me feel better because Dr K cried too. I sure am going to miss her. She sent me a plant the other day which I thought was so sweet.

We just talked at my appt. I do have to go back on Monday to get a Rubella shot, because I guess I apparently am not immune to it? Or could be carrying it? I didn't really understand, but it came back in my blood work from my D&C. I am probably the only person to have it since 1904 too.

I am trying to get back to normal. I cry every day. I dread sleep (although I haven't slept much) because I know what my dreams are going to be. I don't want to leave the house or talk to anyone. I am angry that they are all happy. I want to cry every time I see a pregnant person. And hit them. And yell at them too.

But I really am trying. Pumpkin's and M's birthdays are this weekend. We are having a couple friends over tonight for dinner, so I will have to bring out my big girl panties, plaster a fake smile on my face, and pretend that I am happy. They are TTC, so I pray that they don't announce that they are pregnant. I don't see them doing that, but I could see it slipping out in convo by accident. Our family is coming over for dinner tomorrow night, so at least I don't have to pretend as much.

Sunday is Pumpkin's birthday party so I made his dino dig sites before work last night (at some point when I feel more human I will post it). I have to be happy for my kids. I have to be there for them. I can't fail as a mother to them, too.

At dinner Pumpkin asked me if it was going to be hard to have 3 kids. M tried to jump in and smooth it over but I wasn't upset. He doesn't understand. I told him again that we only have 2, that our 3rd, his little baby, died. He then asked me if I was going to get another one. I told him I hope so.

Regret

I wish I wouldn't have cried when I found out.

I wish I would have talked to my baby more.

I wish I would have told it how much I love it, and want it.

I wish it would have known how special it is to me.

I wish I would have the chance to hold its little fingers in my hand, kiss the tip of its little nose.

I wish our journey together wasn't cut so short.

I wish I could have protected it.

Guilt

I did not do much, besides cry on Wednesday or Thursday. Friday was pretty much the same story, but since I still had not started bleeding I called Dr K. She gave me 3 options: wait and see, take a pill that makes you miscarry (which would make me bleed), or have a D&C. Waiting would be ok, no huge risks with my health to wait it out awhile longer. The pill should work, but might end up requiring a D&C anyways. The D&C would be fast and get it done right away, no waiting involved. I had to choose.

I didn't want to wait because I was hoping that if I just got it over with I might be able to start putting the pieces back together emotionally. I didn't want to do the pill because for some unknown reason, it felt wrong. I also didn't want to do either of these options because I didn't want to go to the bathroom and find pieces that I knew were my little baby and have to flush the toilet. I didn't want to have a D&C either because I didn't want to choose to have my baby taken from my tummy. I didn't want to be in this situation, and I didn't have the clear head to make a decision. Luckily, Dr K knows me well enough that she made a decision for me. D&C.

The guilt set in instantly. Why would I have a procedure done to take my baby that I never wanted to give up? Why would I elect to have this baby now when I shouldn't be for another 7 months? But why would I hold onto the tiny little body inside me when it's spirit was already gone? I cried some more and called M to let him know.

My D&C was scheduled for 3:30, so we go to the hospital at 3:00, just as a pregnant lady was waddling out of the doors. I wanted to push her over. I tried to stay strong, but when we walked into the surgery area and the nurse said she would take care of me and she was sorry to meet me this way, I lost it. I started bawling as M hugged me. I'm sure I scared a lot of the patients there, but I couldn't control it. They asked me a bunch of questions, took my blood, and started an IV. Before the wheeled me in M kissed me a few more times. The nurse was really sweet and told me it was ok that I was crying, ok that I was upset because I should be. This was a big deal and not to be taken lightly. I was crying so hard that I entered the surgery room and the anesthesiologist instantly put me under.

I woke up tired and groggy and fell back asleep. When I woke the second time they told me I had to go to the bathroom before I could leave. I really didn't have to go so I drank some juice and got up to try. The cramping pain in my ovary was so extreme I had to sit back down. Slowly I made my way to the bathroom and was able to pee a little. I got dressed and we headed home. Actually, to the store to pick up my pile of prescriptions  then to McDonald's to get some ice cream, then home.

MIL had stayed with the kids when we went in, and my SIL was there with her when we got done. They hugged me and I tried to be cheerful, but I kind of didn't care to be. I know they understood though. They didn't stay long and then it was just us. I laid on the couch, my body numb from pain pills, my mind blank. M got me to go to bed and I slept pretty good, waking once for about 2 hours and finally crying myself back to sleep.

The weekend passed in a blur of tears and pain pills. M got me to get dressed and take a drive on Sunday which was actually nice and I think helped a little. I am trying. I don't want to be depressed and laying on the couch crying all the time. I have a family and people I love that love me. I need to be there for them, and moping around isn't going to help anything.

Its been a week now, and I still cry daily. I think about our baby everyday, all day. I think about enduring the next 7 months knowing that I shouldn't be having this drink, or taking the kids on that fair ride, because I should be pregnant. Of my due date, the day before our 3 yr anniversary. Using the double stroller my mom bought us for Pumpkin and L, instead of L and BB3.

People tell me it happened for a reason. Maybe, but I can't see it, or understand that reason. Why give it to me if you are just going to take it away. People say it wasn't a baby. Bullshit. It was. It had hands and feet, eyelids, and a beating heart. Weak, but beating. People tell me time will help. Yes, it will help, but it will never heal. People say they are there for me, but they don't really want to sit on the couch with me while I cry for hours on end.

I'm angry that life is continuing on around me. I need it to stop for a little bit so I can regroup and start fresh. I am angry that God gave us something and then took it away. I am angry that I will never get the answers I want, or need. I am angry that I no longer have my baby.

And I am sad. Sad beyond words.

Loss

I have been dreading writing this post. Maybe I'm thinking that if I don't write it, I still won't have to admit its real. Or maybe I just haven't been able to find the strength to write the words. Whatever the reason I'm stalling is, I am running out of little random things to do this morning on the internet, and now I stare at this page wondering where to start and how to put my feelings to words.

My U/S was set for Thursday morning. I worked Tuesday night and was a little crampy Wednesday morning, so I called Dr K. She said I could go in our wait until the next day, and since I had no idea what to do, she decided just to call up the hospital to see if they could even get me in for an U/S right then. Well, they could, so I went.

The tech was the bitch I had from the first U/S. She wasn't much better this time around. And she wouldn't let me see the screen or tell me anything. I know they aren't supposed to tell you anything, but normally you can get a little something out of them. Since I couldn't get a single thing out of her, I knew something must be wrong.

I waited until I got home, then made the dreaded call to Dr K for the results. It was my worst nightmare come true. BB3 no longer had a heartbeat.

I crumbled. I called M and told him in a sob that he could hardly understand, then I curled up on our bed and sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. M came home and laid with me while I sobbed myself to sleep.

I called into work when I woke and took the rest of the week off. Dr K told me it would be like labor. The cramping would get worse, turning more into contractions. Bleeding would start and pick up. If the pain got too bad, or the bleeding to heavy, I was supposed to call her. Until then, I just had to take it easy and wait.

Wait. In other words, sit around thinking about it. Thinking about how this doesn't happen to me. How I have had 2 kids now, there should be no reason for me to lose my 3rd. Feel guilty for crying because I wasn't ready for a 3rd just yet. So much guilt. So much pain. And just sitting and waiting for the inevitable.