Loss

I have been dreading writing this post. Maybe I'm thinking that if I don't write it, I still won't have to admit its real. Or maybe I just haven't been able to find the strength to write the words. Whatever the reason I'm stalling is, I am running out of little random things to do this morning on the internet, and now I stare at this page wondering where to start and how to put my feelings to words.

My U/S was set for Thursday morning. I worked Tuesday night and was a little crampy Wednesday morning, so I called Dr K. She said I could go in our wait until the next day, and since I had no idea what to do, she decided just to call up the hospital to see if they could even get me in for an U/S right then. Well, they could, so I went.

The tech was the bitch I had from the first U/S. She wasn't much better this time around. And she wouldn't let me see the screen or tell me anything. I know they aren't supposed to tell you anything, but normally you can get a little something out of them. Since I couldn't get a single thing out of her, I knew something must be wrong.

I waited until I got home, then made the dreaded call to Dr K for the results. It was my worst nightmare come true. BB3 no longer had a heartbeat.

I crumbled. I called M and told him in a sob that he could hardly understand, then I curled up on our bed and sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. M came home and laid with me while I sobbed myself to sleep.

I called into work when I woke and took the rest of the week off. Dr K told me it would be like labor. The cramping would get worse, turning more into contractions. Bleeding would start and pick up. If the pain got too bad, or the bleeding to heavy, I was supposed to call her. Until then, I just had to take it easy and wait.

Wait. In other words, sit around thinking about it. Thinking about how this doesn't happen to me. How I have had 2 kids now, there should be no reason for me to lose my 3rd. Feel guilty for crying because I wasn't ready for a 3rd just yet. So much guilt. So much pain. And just sitting and waiting for the inevitable.