Going Through The Motions

I had my follow-up appt for my D&C yesterday. I dreaded it for the fact of knowing I would probably see pregnant ladies in the office. I was right. One was breastfeeding as I walked in, another was in the room I passed to get to mine. And of course as I was leaving, one was just getting there. The appt went fine. I pretty much just sat in there and cried. Oddly, it made me feel better because Dr K cried too. I sure am going to miss her. She sent me a plant the other day which I thought was so sweet.

We just talked at my appt. I do have to go back on Monday to get a Rubella shot, because I guess I apparently am not immune to it? Or could be carrying it? I didn't really understand, but it came back in my blood work from my D&C. I am probably the only person to have it since 1904 too.

I am trying to get back to normal. I cry every day. I dread sleep (although I haven't slept much) because I know what my dreams are going to be. I don't want to leave the house or talk to anyone. I am angry that they are all happy. I want to cry every time I see a pregnant person. And hit them. And yell at them too.

But I really am trying. Pumpkin's and M's birthdays are this weekend. We are having a couple friends over tonight for dinner, so I will have to bring out my big girl panties, plaster a fake smile on my face, and pretend that I am happy. They are TTC, so I pray that they don't announce that they are pregnant. I don't see them doing that, but I could see it slipping out in convo by accident. Our family is coming over for dinner tomorrow night, so at least I don't have to pretend as much.

Sunday is Pumpkin's birthday party so I made his dino dig sites before work last night (at some point when I feel more human I will post it). I have to be happy for my kids. I have to be there for them. I can't fail as a mother to them, too.

At dinner Pumpkin asked me if it was going to be hard to have 3 kids. M tried to jump in and smooth it over but I wasn't upset. He doesn't understand. I told him again that we only have 2, that our 3rd, his little baby, died. He then asked me if I was going to get another one. I told him I hope so.