Stretching Out

I noticed my first 2 stretch marks from this pregnancy yesterday. They aren't very big, and they are right next to each other, almost like one. I haven't been able to see them because they are on the underside of my belly, which, unless I am looking in a mirror, I can't see!

According to the Baby Center's article on stretch marks, there are certain factors that can increase your change of getting stretch marks. Genetics is one of those factors. I have heard that about cellulite too, so it doesn't surprise me that it is true for stretch marks also. My mom has a lot of stretch marks on her tummy from being pregnant with us, so its not too surprising that I would get them too. They also say that younger moms may get them more. I would consider myself a younger mom, so that is working against me too!

I am really not surprised that I have gotten them with Peanut, especially with how many I got with Pumpkin. Pumpkin's pregnancy wrecked havoc on my thighs. I am very self-conscious about wearing shorts because of the amount of stretch marks I have on my thighs. My butt took a stretching too (which was really not good considering it was larger to start with!), and my lower back. I didn't get them on my stomach though. It was like the skin just stretched from my back and sides to accommodate my belly. I have always counted my blessings for not getting stretch marks all over my stomach though. But now, I have them.

I am surprisingly OK with it. I have noticed that my previous stretch marks on my legs have been stretching a little more, or at least looking red-ish lately. And the stitches from my cancer scars have stretched out a little, which kind of looks odd! I think the reason I am feeling OK with it all though, is because of this picture:

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How can you feel ashamed of your stretch marks after reading that? This picture almost makes me want to get more... OK, not really, but I am not hating the ones that I have gotten! I will continue to drink lots of water and put on my lotion with coco butter and vitamin E, but I will not stress out over stretching out.

Did you get a lot of stretch marks? How do you feel about your stretch marks?

The Great Debate Part II

Daycare.

Catch up with Part I here.

So my next step was to contact daycares and see if they would take babies in cloth diapers. I figured most wouldn't, but I did need to check. Before I could do this though, I needed to figure out exactly what I was planning on doing with myself after Peanut arrived!

I am going to go back to school, if all works out with financial aid. The only thing that I am so hesitant on is working part-time (we really need the money), going to school, and having 2 kids, plus a husband, at home. Can I actually do it?! Some days I think yes. Other days, when I am in a sane state of mind, I think HELL NO!!!!! But the thing is, to make life better for my family, I am pretty sure I need to risk my sanity for a couple years and suck it up. Get a part-time job. Go to school. Take care of 3, I mean 2, kids and a husband. Keep house in order. That's not too much right?! Maybe not for a super mom, but what if I am not a super mom?! Anyways, that is what I have decided the plan is going to be.

So I was at friend K's house for her Christmas party last week, and I was talking to her about going back to school and having to find a daycare for Peanut. And guess what? She said she could watch her while I was at school!!!! SCORE!!!!! That means, Peanut will be with someone I trust, I won't have to pay an arm and a leg, and I can literally see K's house from my house, so the drive won't be bad at all! And, of course, the reason for this post.... I can cloth diaper because K will do it! I am blessed with the best friend!

I feel like I was able to skip this step of finding out if daycare will take a cloth bottom baby, but it just worked out really well! I think that if for some reason K can't watch Peanut, I will look more into a nanny. Because of the limited hours I would need someone to watch Peanut, a nanny would be more reasonable in terms of cost. And then they don't have a choice but to cloth diaper if I say so!

This part was easy, so easy, which makes me excited to move onto the next part: Buying cloth diapers. I am scared out of my mind about this. I still don't know where to start, or what to get, or anything! Plus, once I order, then I can't change my mind. I don't like not having an escape for "just in case"! But, I am excited about cloth diapering though, and I think I will love it, so now I need to buckle down and order!

Did you have a great friend that helped you out with your child(ren)? Do you have a nanny?

Also, in celebration of 30 wks, here is a belly shot. Its crappy, I know, but I am the only one that could take one right now other than Pumpkin, and I don't know if his would be much better :)

I need to clean my mirror, cuz whatever that is, its on the mirror, not my ass

The Countdown Is On!

We are now officially 30 wks! That means, only 10, yes TEN, more weeks to go. I cannot believe how soon it really is. We have so much to do to get ready too, that I am slightly stressed.

We still have nothing in or for the nursery, other than ideas and an old rocker/glider that needs some work. That is going to be my project next week. I would do it this week but my sister is in town all week visiting, so I am trying to spend as much time as possible with her. :)

Peanut was very active over Christmas, and my whole family, along with M's, got to feel her moving and kicking. It was so fun to watch everyone's expressions! Sometimes when she moves though, it really hurts. It almost feels like she is about to break out of my stomach or something. I love feeling her, but could do without the pain!

I woke up last night in a lot of pain too. My back and stomach muscles were all really tight. I could hardly move, and my back still hurts. My legs cramped some too, but they say that is normal. I can feel Peanut move down into my pelvis at times. She puts a lot of pressure down into my crotch, which is uncomfortable and makes me worry that she might try to make her grand entrance into the world a little to see. 10 weeks baby girl, it will go fast, so just be patient!

I hate to write such a boring post, and short one, but we are off to my parents' house again to see family. I love having them in town, but man, it sure is a lot of running back and forth! My poor house is feeling neglected, and dirty!

I'm a Liar

We had a dr appt today, and I lied to Dr K. I just couldn't handle telling her the truth. I told her I had only gained 2 lbs, putting me at 168, when really I had gained 4.

I don't think its that big of a deal, and I should have just sucked it up and told her, but I don't want to be gaining this much weight so fast and I didn't want her to say anything about it. I am way above her chart, and even above my chart! She wants me to just kind of stay around "this" weight from here on out, but I know don't think that will happen. I can see myself gaining another 10 pounds!

My chart/Source

How do I stop?! I wish I could just stay the weight I am, I would love that! But I know that Peanut is going to be growing, and she will weigh more, making my weight go up at least a little. Plus, its almost Christmas! There is a lot of good food to be eaten right now! And I don't know what to do in the way of working out... And really? Do I want to start at 29 wks pregnant?! I can't get my lazy butt of the couch regularly, let alone being pregnant!

Have you ever lied to your dr about your weight? Were you able to maintain your weight in the last 10 weeks?

The Great Debate Part I

Cloth vs disposable.

I will admit, I was one of those people who cringed at the thought of cloth diapers. Swishing the diapers in toilet water? You couldn't pay me enough money to touch toilet water (well, maybe a million dollars would do). Wiping poop out with my hand? No thanks. Storing stinky diapers in a pail *GAG* until I put them in the wash machine *another GAG*? There was no way I was going to hop on this extremely gross bandwagon.

But then people started talking to me. My mom told me about how the way disposable diapers are taken care of now is way different from what they used to be. My friend was so excited to get hers and told me how many different options there were in ways of diapers and having disposable liners. And my cousin wrote me a long email telling me all about the different kinds of diapers she got, what worked the best, and how easy it really is. So I started to think... it was at least worth looking into. And anyways, how cute is this picture?!

I love the idea of hanging little cloth diapers on a clothes line. Of course, I don't have a clothes line, or a field of red wild flowers, but still, I can dream/ Source

I didn't know where to start with my investigating though. And since I live in a small town in Montana, where we still ride horses into town (I joke!), there is no place that has cloth diapers. So all my searching has to be online. SCARY! The world wide web is great, don't get me wrong. It has TONS of information all over, but that is the problem. It has so much information that I was lost. REALLY lost. But I did find myself, looking at other cute pictures!

Who couldn't love this little butt?!/Source

I wasn't getting anywhere looking at butts, so I went to the best go to site for anything and everything baby, Hellobee. There have been many blogs on cloth diapers, and I also asked the community, and got lots of help there. With all the information I received, I was pretty sold on cloth diapers. The next hard part? Selling M on it. 

He reminds me of myself when I was young and naive about cloth diapers ;) As soon as the topic comes up, he says "no, that's gross". But when I start throwing out numbers (money), he seems to listen a little bit more.So I found some sites to back me up with the selling point of "cloth diapers save money!". I think the best site I have seen that breaks down the cost of cloth and disposable is here. Now, some of those numbers are big. A thousand dollars?! I don't have an extra thousand dollars laying around! But then look at disposables. TWICE as much. The thousand doesn't sound so bad in the long run. 

This site makes it look more affordable to get into to. Only a couple hundred dollars, even we could do that. But still, the savings is the same, a little more than a thousand dollars in the end. That is so much money! And with me being a SAHM, that is BIG. 

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But, M is still not convinced. Although he does like the numbers, he still is grossed out by the idea. I understand, it still gets me a little bit, but lately, thanks to Pumpkin's upset tummy, I think I could handle it. In the past week alone, I have had to clean poop off the floor 4+ times, wipe it out of underwear out 6+ times, and wash the "poopy" underwear just as many. My wash machine seems to handle it pretty well. My stomach is getting stronger, and my Swifter wet cleans great. I think I could handle it, and lets be realistic. How often would M have to change the diapers?

I am the one staying at home. I am the one that does the laundry. I am the one that always seems to end up changing the diapers even when we are together. I am the one that would have to deal with it. Therefore.... I think if I say its a go, then its a go! M can learn to deal :) So I am saying YES to cloth diapers!!!!! But then I had a hitch in my cloth diapering plan.....

I have decided to go back to school. Don't ask me what I am thinking, going back to school with 2 kids at home? Its something that I need to do for our family though. But anyways, this puts a hitch in my cloth diaper plans. While I'm at school, Peanut will have to go to daycare. Do daycares take kids in cloth diapers? 

I don't know. That is my next step in my cloth diaper journey. I am sold on them, but now I have to sell a daycare on them. Or maybe I could get someone to come to my home to watch Peanut and just MAKE them use the cloth diapers... (that means I don't have to wash poop out all day by myself!)

I also have to find out which ones I am going to go with and where the best place is to order them. Little details. 

I feel relieved to have decided on cloth diapers though. I just hope that it is something that I can actually pull off, and it works. Having made a decision feels great though, and I don't feel so bad now spending hours looking at adorable butt covers!

Honestly, how can you say no?!/Source

Where you like me and almost threw up at the thought of cloth diapers? Have you decided to go the cloth route? What was the selling point for you? What problems did you run into, if any? (See, I still need a lot of help!)

Nightmares

My pregnancy dreams have turned into nightmares. They are so vivid, I can recall them perfectly, even a week later. I would tell you about them, but I'm scared of what you would think about me! I swear I'm not messed up in the head! I will tell you though, a couple of them have had to do with death.

Lillies are a symbol of death, and at one time they were placed on the graves of children/ Source

According to the Baby Center, they say that your dreams "... reflect your excitement, fear, and apprehension...". I'm going to try to make myself feel better by saying that the reason death is apart of my dreams is because I am still scared of something going wrong and us losing Peanut.

I have tried to find out what it really means though, so I looked at the Baby Zone's pregnancy dream guide to find the true meaning. Of course though, I am the only pregnant lady dreaming about death. In fact, the only "D" dream they have listed is dolphins. Nope, no dreams about dolphins for me!

Since the baby websites were no help to me on figuring out what my twisted dreams were about, I looked elsewhere. I looked at Dream Moods, and found death (YAY! I may be the only pregnant person dreaming about it, but at least there are other regular people dreaming about it too!). This is the part that I took to relate to me:

"Alternatively, the dream indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life anymore. In particular, to dream about the death of your parents indicates that you are undergoing a significant change in your waking life. Your relationship with your parents has evolved into a new realm."

I am guessing that by my dreams involving death are signifying a change in my relationship with Peanut. No, Peanut is not going to die, but our relationship, my body being her home, is going "to die". She will be born and no longer be apart of me. I like that idea way better then the other things that have gone through my head! Makes me feel a little less crazy!

If you are having neat and funky dreams though, the Baby Center has a Dream Diary you can print and record your dreams. Now, I would never do this with my dreams unless I wanted a first class ticket to the loony bin, but it may be really cool for you!

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Have you had any odd dreams while being pregnant? Have you had dreams of death, or I am the only one?

GTT

Glucose Tolerance Test. I had mine does this past week, Tuesday actually (sorry, its been a busy week with our new Mom's Club and M's dad's birthday). It was horrible, not going to lie!

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When I had this test done while pregnant with Pumpkin, I didn't mind it at all. I thought the orange drink wasn't too bad, just like an orange soda, and then I went to the office, got poked (I am deadly afraid of needles, but the nurse was good), and that was it. Not so much this time.

The drink made me sick. It was like syrup this time. I could hardly choke it down. *GAG* And, while I was forcing myself to swallow, I started to peel off the label my Dr put on the bottle and read the bottle's original label. One of the first directions is to have the patient "remain calm"! WTF?! Do people get all out of control while drinking this stuff?! I am so bummed I didn't get a picture of it, but for some reason, M had the urge to throw it away. He doesn't throw his own crap away, so why he did this bottle, I have no idea.

Anyways, I choked down the nasty orange syrup crap, and headed to the Dr, feeling like I was going to hurl at any minute. I told the nurse what time I drank the stuff, and then had my appt with Dr K. When we were done, it was time for the dreaded blood draw (which was actually just a little over an hour since I drank the crap, which still bothers me a little).

Like I said, I am deathly afraid of needles. I told the nurse this, and she said that she would draw from my hand since she is a NICU nurse, and that it seems to be the easiest. The thought of her having to stick babies calmed me some, she must be good... Boy was I wrong!

She jammed the needle into my hand, I swear I felt the skin and vein break open. Then she drew 3 vials of blood, extremely slowly, and when she was ready to pull the needle out, she put her thumb on the needle and pushed it down, then proceeded to pull the needle out from under her finger, while still pushing on it! I almost screamed with she first stuck me, and then almost cried as she pulled the needle out. And to top it off, my hand was sore for 2 days after. It felt like she broke the needle off in my vein. It was horrible.

The good thing was that everything came back good! Even my iron levels were good, which really surprised me since I am borderline anemic as it is, and I was anemic with Pumpkin. Plus, I have been bruising really easily lately, and the bruises don't leave very fast. But, according to my blood, I'm all good! Its nice to know that I checked out good and don't have to have any extra worries right now.

Have you had your GTT? How were your results? Did your nurse totally suck at drawing your blood?!

The Kicker

My family is huge into football. Papa has been a Green Bay Packer fan since he was 6, so we were raised loving them too. They haven't always done as great as they are doing this year. We have had many years of upsets and heartbreak. So, it was really great watching them win the Super Bowl last year.

Papa popped a bottle of champagne

M and Pumpkin

Papa and me

And they are kicking ass this year! Yesterday's game was a really close one though, almost putting me into early labor. And of course, it came down to the kicker. Had he not missed his field goal earlier in the game, it wouldn't have been so close. It was though, and it came down to him kicking another field goal. If he missed it, then HE would have made the game go into overtime. If he made it though, then HE won the game for us. (He made it!!!!!!!)

This is something that has always baffled me. Why does it come down to the kicker? The whole team played the whole game, making and not making plays, but yet it's always the kicker that gets the pressure of the game. I am feeling like the kicker right now.

M and I "played the game" and got pregnant, and we are still playing the game through this pregnancy, and will continue into parenting. But I am feeling like the kicker, if I fail at my job, then I will be the reason we lose the "game".

OK, that is really confusing! Let me try again! I have been thinking about breastfeeding a lot lately. I am really worried that I won't get a supply in, and won't be able to do my job as a mother in providing nutrition for Peanut. While the team (M and me) played the game together, it comes down to me, the kicker, to win it or lose it. I know that not being able to breastfeed isn't the end of it all, but it feels like a REALLY big thing. If I can't do it, then I feel like I fail and lose at being a mom.

I really sympathize for the kicker on football teams. This pressure is killing me, and I'm afraid that pressure makes it even harder to do the job I am in position for. No one would judge if a linebacker (or M) couldn't make the field goal, but if the kicker (or me) can't, then its a big deal.

Hopefully I can pull through like the Packer's kicker did in yesterday's game. If not, I have to remember it doesn't mean the end of the season. There are lots of games and situations that I will have to, and will, "make the kick".

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Do you ever feel like all the pressure comes down on you as a mother? Do you feel like you are the kicker? Did you actually follow and understand this post?!

The Inevitable

Weight gain.

This is actually a pretty tough subject for me. It seems that throughout my whole life I have never been comfortable with my weight. So, I'm going to bear all, despite how hard it is to post some of these numbers, and break it down for you. Keep in mind I am 5'5".... OK, I lie. I am only 5'4"... 3". But first, my favorite comic ever. So true...

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When I was in high school, I was always bigger then all my friends. How big? A whopping 118 lbs. That is like my left leg now. I really struggled with this though, and I had some eating issues. The summer before my senior year, I didn't eat a thing. I got down to 108 lbs, and was actually happy about that. Of course, once I did start eating again, I gained it all back! I leveled out again at 118 lbs, and was so upset once again. This was me the day I graduated high school:

See that? My legs didn't even touch and I thought I was fat! And I only have ONE chin in this picture, not the 2 that I have come to accept. But, during high school, all my friends were around 110 lbs, and probably about an inch or so taller then me. I had a "pooch" that I could never get rid of. I would take back that pooch any day now...

I went to college and gained some weight. Got up to 127 lbs. I cried. I thought I was enormous, and just wished I could be my 118 lb self again. Oh gosh, how naive I was. 127 lbs? Please, that is only a dream these days. I slowly gained after that though, and when I ended up pregnant with Pumpkin, I was 138 lbs. Not proud, but I was. Here is the day I found out I was pregnant. (You can see the pooch that I have always had in this pic)

I gained a lot with Pumpkin. I actually gained close to 40 lbs. I delivered in the 170 lb range. I never felt like I got that big, but looking back, I see that I did. (I cringe at these pictures)

2 months before I delivered (I need to find bigger friends)

The day of my baby shower

Thanks to some extreme stress (as mentioned before), I lost 20 lbs in 2 wks after Pumpkin was born. It took about 4 months to lose the other 20, but I eventually got back down to pre-baby weight, and then some. I sat at about 133 lbs. I felt ok, but not great. I still fantasized about my 118 lb body... or even my 127 lb body. But I was able to maintain, and I felt good about that. Some more stressful things happened, and I ended up dropping to 128 lbs. OMG, I looked HOT. Oh yes, check me out!

Me and Pumpkin on Mother's Day 2009

Me and Papa May/June-ish 2009

I tried to stay that way, but I didn't. I gained, of course. I blame that on M actually :) I still looked pretty good when we met, but I did gain. When we got married in the fall of 2010, I weighed 136 lbs. I wasn't really happy about that weight, but I had come to accept it. Then all hell broke loose.

We started our fertility treatments and my weight flew up. In about 6 months, I went from 136 lbs to 153 lbs. 17 lbs in 6 months. Wow. And I was trying everything to loose weight, or at least slow it down! But I couldn't. We decided to take a small break in trying, and Dr K gave me some pills to help me out with losing weight. They did help and I did loose some. I got down to 143 lbs, then found out I was pregnant.

YAY! I was pregnant!!!! BUT, I wasn't at a weight that I was comfortable with. Funny how I had a mix of emotions. We had been trying so hard to get pregnant, and now that we weren't thinking about it (well, kind of), and I was losing weight and trying to get to a comfortable stage to start trying hard again, I was pregnant. I was so thrilled to be pregnant though, that I just decided that this time would be different with my weight gain.

I think I am doing better then I did with Pumpkin. I weigh myself a lot, and today I was 163 lbs, at 26 1/2 wks... almost 27 ;) The thing that I am having a hard time with though, is the chart that Dr K keeps of my weight gain.

She records my weight every time I come in and puts it on this graph. Well, the graph only has one line. There is no "range" to be in, just a line to on. But dang that line is small! I jumped above it last time and wanted to cry. I know that you gain weight with pregnancy, and that there is a healthy weight to gain, but I really don't think dr's should give you a line to stay on. That puts a lot of pressure on an expecting mother. And when you jump above that little line, you feel like you need to diet and exercise to get back on it, which isn't always the healthy thing to do.

I am trying to not let that line haunt me though. Instead, I have found my own chart to go off of! The dot is me :)

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While I am still hovering around the "high" line, I like that this chart has a RANGE. It doesn't make me feel so bad about my weight gain because I am still in a good range. Maybe I should take this chart to Dr K and tell her to use it instead of the stupid line she has...

Have you struggled with your weight before, during, or after pregnancy? Does your dr have a tiny little line that your weight is supposed to be on?

*This post is not meant to make anyone feel bad in any way. I realize that there are women of all different shapes and sizes, and all with their own struggles. This is just my own personal battle with my own self-esteem related to my own weight*