The Inevitable

Weight gain.

This is actually a pretty tough subject for me. It seems that throughout my whole life I have never been comfortable with my weight. So, I'm going to bear all, despite how hard it is to post some of these numbers, and break it down for you. Keep in mind I am 5'5".... OK, I lie. I am only 5'4"... 3". But first, my favorite comic ever. So true...

Source

When I was in high school, I was always bigger then all my friends. How big? A whopping 118 lbs. That is like my left leg now. I really struggled with this though, and I had some eating issues. The summer before my senior year, I didn't eat a thing. I got down to 108 lbs, and was actually happy about that. Of course, once I did start eating again, I gained it all back! I leveled out again at 118 lbs, and was so upset once again. This was me the day I graduated high school:

See that? My legs didn't even touch and I thought I was fat! And I only have ONE chin in this picture, not the 2 that I have come to accept. But, during high school, all my friends were around 110 lbs, and probably about an inch or so taller then me. I had a "pooch" that I could never get rid of. I would take back that pooch any day now...

I went to college and gained some weight. Got up to 127 lbs. I cried. I thought I was enormous, and just wished I could be my 118 lb self again. Oh gosh, how naive I was. 127 lbs? Please, that is only a dream these days. I slowly gained after that though, and when I ended up pregnant with Pumpkin, I was 138 lbs. Not proud, but I was. Here is the day I found out I was pregnant. (You can see the pooch that I have always had in this pic)

I gained a lot with Pumpkin. I actually gained close to 40 lbs. I delivered in the 170 lb range. I never felt like I got that big, but looking back, I see that I did. (I cringe at these pictures)

2 months before I delivered (I need to find bigger friends)

The day of my baby shower

Thanks to some extreme stress (as mentioned before), I lost 20 lbs in 2 wks after Pumpkin was born. It took about 4 months to lose the other 20, but I eventually got back down to pre-baby weight, and then some. I sat at about 133 lbs. I felt ok, but not great. I still fantasized about my 118 lb body... or even my 127 lb body. But I was able to maintain, and I felt good about that. Some more stressful things happened, and I ended up dropping to 128 lbs. OMG, I looked HOT. Oh yes, check me out!

Me and Pumpkin on Mother's Day 2009

Me and Papa May/June-ish 2009

I tried to stay that way, but I didn't. I gained, of course. I blame that on M actually :) I still looked pretty good when we met, but I did gain. When we got married in the fall of 2010, I weighed 136 lbs. I wasn't really happy about that weight, but I had come to accept it. Then all hell broke loose.

We started our fertility treatments and my weight flew up. In about 6 months, I went from 136 lbs to 153 lbs. 17 lbs in 6 months. Wow. And I was trying everything to loose weight, or at least slow it down! But I couldn't. We decided to take a small break in trying, and Dr K gave me some pills to help me out with losing weight. They did help and I did loose some. I got down to 143 lbs, then found out I was pregnant.

YAY! I was pregnant!!!! BUT, I wasn't at a weight that I was comfortable with. Funny how I had a mix of emotions. We had been trying so hard to get pregnant, and now that we weren't thinking about it (well, kind of), and I was losing weight and trying to get to a comfortable stage to start trying hard again, I was pregnant. I was so thrilled to be pregnant though, that I just decided that this time would be different with my weight gain.

I think I am doing better then I did with Pumpkin. I weigh myself a lot, and today I was 163 lbs, at 26 1/2 wks... almost 27 ;) The thing that I am having a hard time with though, is the chart that Dr K keeps of my weight gain.

She records my weight every time I come in and puts it on this graph. Well, the graph only has one line. There is no "range" to be in, just a line to on. But dang that line is small! I jumped above it last time and wanted to cry. I know that you gain weight with pregnancy, and that there is a healthy weight to gain, but I really don't think dr's should give you a line to stay on. That puts a lot of pressure on an expecting mother. And when you jump above that little line, you feel like you need to diet and exercise to get back on it, which isn't always the healthy thing to do.

I am trying to not let that line haunt me though. Instead, I have found my own chart to go off of! The dot is me :)

Source

While I am still hovering around the "high" line, I like that this chart has a RANGE. It doesn't make me feel so bad about my weight gain because I am still in a good range. Maybe I should take this chart to Dr K and tell her to use it instead of the stupid line she has...

Have you struggled with your weight before, during, or after pregnancy? Does your dr have a tiny little line that your weight is supposed to be on?

*This post is not meant to make anyone feel bad in any way. I realize that there are women of all different shapes and sizes, and all with their own struggles. This is just my own personal battle with my own self-esteem related to my own weight*