Birthday #1

I am drowning in birthdays. It starts in December and doesn't end until the end of March and I can't keep up!!!!

December 8 - Dad in law
December 25 - Christ
December 29 - LL
January 25 - Reece
February 9 - Lil Mr K
February 10 - M
February 18 - Miss L
February 25 - Sis in law
March 7 - Dee
March 23 - Mom in law

Help me. Please. Just send me a big box of crap that I can gift so I don't have to think about it... or break my bank anymore!

LL's first birthday was a blast though, as stressful as it was. I think it may have been more stressful since my sisters and brother in laws were in town and were all there... more pressure to make it good.

We spent the day sledding. Dee and my mom didn't come because of Dee's baby, but everyone else did. And it was awesome! So much fun to sled. And to make it better it snowed these really huge, gorgeous, snow flakes the entire time. It was beautiful.

After sledding we went to my parents' house. M's family came over and we ordered pizza. The lady that was going to make a cake for me backed out, so I made a small smash one and then we bought a large one from Costco for everyone else. I got some cheap decorations from Target and did my best to throw together a cute little party. Sorry LL, the 3rd child really does get the shit end of the stick, but I am trying! 

To be honest, she really didn't care. She got to dig into her cake... playing with it more then anything... and open lots of presents (with the help of her siblings). It was just nice to have everyone together celebrating her.

She lights up our life. I couldn't imagine not having her. We are so blessed and I was so happy to share her day with our family, enjoying each other and God's beautiful gifts.

2 Years

Its been 2 years (and week) since Baby S passed away. I can't believe that much time has already gone by. It still feels like yesterday. The pain is still so real, and my baby floods my mind daily. I wonder if there will ever be a time that I don't think about it. Truthfully, I figured that after 2 years it wouldn't be an every day thought, but yet it still is. And if I let myself think to much about it, I still cry.

The memory of it all, the heartbreak, the pain, the emptiness inside, is all to real right now as I am mourning the loss of my friends baby that she delivered yesterday at just 20 weeks. A couple days ago she posted how she felt him move, and now he is gone. I saw my baby's heart beating away, and little limbs wiggling about, and then it was gone.

Having experienced a loss myself I thought I would be better at consoling her, but I am not. I almost can't even try for fear that I will let myself slip back to the place of devastation. I find that I am jealous that she got 20 weeks with her baby, when I only got 10. That she got to feel the movements, when I only got to see them. That she knew the sex and had a name, when I can only go off a feeling and call "It" Baby S.

I feel so selfish for thinking those thoughts and feeling those feelings. I know the pain she is going through and I want to comfort her. I also know that no matter what I say or do, there is no comfort for a grieving mother.