Sick Of It

All of it. I’m sick of the endless TWW, and the let down every time P shows, of seeing pregnant people everywhere I go, of seeing babies everywhere I go, of my pregnant friends telling me all their symptoms and what they are doing for their nursery, of my friends (that got pregnant in a blink of an eye while M and I are trying so hard) having their babies (I’m a horrible friend). I’m just sick of it.

I feel so horrible, but I can’t help it. My friend S got pregnant (on accident mind you) and talked about it all the time. M and I went to dinner with her and her husband about a month, maybe 2, after she found out. While at dinner, she was saying how she was going to have to cut her hair because “it’s just so hard to do with such a big belly”. Um, what belly? I am bigger then you. Why couldn’t I have just choked on my dinner then to put me out of my misery? I didn’t go to her baby shower because I… wasn’t feeling good… (and I didn’t want to be around it. Her, her sister, and her sister-in-law all were pregnant). And when she had her baby in April, I didn’t go see her. I know, I know, I am a horrible friend, I already told you that. So I finally went and saw her a couple days ago. It wasn’t too horrible, more like paper cutting yourself in between your fingers, then submerging your hand in salt water. Her baby is adorable, and I am really happy for her, but why? Why can’t it be me? Why can it happen “on accident” for her?

Or how about friend L. She actually knows what we are going through, and when she didn’t get pregnant their first month of trying, she called me up, so upset, and told me she just can’t try any more and they were taking a break. Guess what. She got pregnant, without trying, the next month. When she got sick, she called me complaining. When she gained some weight, she called me crying. When she found out what she was having, she called me, on my birthday, and told me, but didn’t bother to tell me happy birthday. She even made the comment once that she didn’t like carrying around a baby in her belly because it was uncomfortable.

Friend K had her twins a month ago. They were really early, only like 27 weeks, so it’s been hard and I do really feel bad for her (both are doing awesome though). But her and her husband have one already, and when she wanted another, her sweet husband told her that he never even wanted one to begin with, but that since it meant so much to her to have kids, he would go ahead with it. First month “trying”, pregnant with twins.  

I’m just sick of it. I love my friends, and feel so bad writing bad things about them, but there is only so much a person can take, and I am at the end of my rope.

I’m one week down in this TWW, but don’t have much hope. Maybe next month, but I doubt that too. I feel like I am trying to play poker with a hand of jokers. 

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